Valedicere ( latin; to say goodbye)

My name is Shannon Sawyer. I am a friend of Tony and Pam Parscal. I have asked to make an entry in Tony’s blog. I know there are many who love Tony that read this, and that there are many that have never met Tony, but have been following his journey here.

Tony left this world on Sunday, November 16th at 12:51 p.m. He was at home with his family near him. His memorial service will be Sunday in Austin at 2:00.

Tony was one of the most unique and loving people I have ever known. He called me his love child - born of his love of fishing and Pam. We had several fishing trips together - some more successful than others - but we always had a GREAT time. Coming home from an overnight in Rockport where we froze and stood in vertical drizzle, we stopped for a train and got out of the car to dance around the vehicles. Such was his joy for life and fun. Tony was the kind of guy you could talk to about anything and have an interesting discussion. He always valued what you had to say, even if he did not agree with you.

Tony was blessed with an amazing family that he absolutely adored. His number one girl was Pam. What a love story! There was never a doubt about the devotion they both had for each other. They inspired others with their consideration, and I know I took a few notes about being a true partner. His number 2 girl is Erika. While not his daughter by birth, he told me over and over again how special she is to him. He loved her fiercely and I know she was able to give him comfort in his last days. Ryan, the amazing musician that is Tony’s stepson, was a rock for Tony. Tony spoke with such pride of all of his accomplishments, and Ryan was such a vital part of Tony’s last days on this earth.

Pam. You are stronger than you know. Thanks to you, Tony’s wishes were carried out. Tony stayed home. Tony had his family near him. Thank you for being so open with your journey and allowing others to be there. We are all still here for you.

I love Tony Parscal, and if you knew him, you would love him too.

He is missed deeply, but Pam says it perfectly when she describes time with Tony as a gift.
We were all blessed by knowing and loving him.
For that , I am grateful.

It very strange hearing the doctor tell me other day that instead of a couple years I probably have just a couple of months. I dont feel like someone that only has a couple of months left to live, I do not feel that way at all. Maybe the the drugs are better at this level. I feel more stable and clear, my appetite still sux But there is this terrficic natural substance that has improved my appetite. Shannon is coming tomorrow to visit for a couple of days and i am so looking forward to it. She is an amazingly speacial young woman to me. I can't but see some of this as a death watch. I have to remind myself of what kind of friends I have. we have a circle of friends that would show up at 3:00 in the morning if I needed that. I am sonstantly amazed by the fact they would really do most anything and have proven it a number of times. Shannon and I are going fishing if we we able
Always with love
Tony.

The early morning Cha-cha

I am backup again doing the 2:00 am thing again. it remends me of the mornings we got up to go fishing, many of the them. it didnt seem where we were going or how long we were gonna stay there it was always a requirement that we get up way before dawn to go fishing. and always the fishing. there was one particular trip i remember in the Bay. My Dad had planed a trip on Ray Francis's boat. That was one of the few time a catastrophe did not occur. Trouble always seemed to follow my dad, not this time. We got into the stripers pretty quick and as there is a slot limit in CA, we didnt want to run through our limit that quickly. I asked why he just didnt turn on the fish finder and get some more? this guy was about 5' " and solid muscle. His foverite saying " You dont ask a Potugee to this or that" so we would move away from rhat area and start catching sharks. Sharks are fun to catch. They fight real well and when you get them on deck you hafta either shoot em and tem em home with you or cut em loose before begin flopping. A flopping Shark on the deck of a bout is not good. The weather is fabulous here in Texas. Camping in my very near future.
Always with love
,Tony.

Unsung hero

I thinking I am feeling better, I still get nateuaus, but not so bad . I have several jobs coming up and that be will be good for my botttom line . I need to get out and work if I can and I will attempt to do just that. This Cancer thing causes me to focus on me more than anything and people have told me I need I need to do just that. The troubling part of all this though that Pammy kinda get left in the dust. Of course it is not intention to leave Pammy behind but while I am placingall of my attention on me she gets forgotten. She has no intention to draw attention to herself and she knows I need to do what what I am doing, I need to work a little better a little harder not allowing her to become a forgotten part of the relationship. There is no way in the world that I could get through any of this without her being here and helping as much as she does. Pammy I have always adored you I could not survive withthout you, I know a get a little nasty that has little to do with you and more to do with the fact that every time I am brought level with my limititations I do not react well. I am constantly rememiding my seldf and with time I think will i improve this part of me.

Always with love
Tony.

It looks like it,s gonna be another beautiful day out there today, it is is fall. I very much like fall and all the color from it. In Texas we plant our our colorful plants in October and November. I always plant a lot of Anuualas to put in when fall arrives, this year will be no different than others. I love annual color, Pannsies, snaps, Dianthus. There is nothing prettier than a bed all dressed up with annal color. I have several to take care of next week. It has been a tough transitition for Shaun, there is no doubt whatsoever he is a hard worker, he is not a gardener though and that has been difficult for him. He has no trouble with the mechanical parts of things, I think gardeneing is part intuition and just plain seeng thing otheres may not see. Gardening is placing height, texture and color in the proper combinations to illicit the most stunning affect. I do it it by intuition, I can not really explain how I go about it, I just seem to know. I have a strong passion for gardening and this is my time of the year.

Always with love,
Tony.

Lets go camping

Pammy and i are talking about taking some time and going camping, we havnt been camping fora couple of years and I would look forward to that. My brother is coming near the end of November perhaps that might be a good time to go. I will need to set it up , neither of them is very good at getting things like that arranged. If he doesnt change the date again as he has once allreadyHe had been switch work dates with a coworker and apparently the co worker needed to change the the day. Fortunately my days are not cluttered and can be changed fairly easly. I love to go camping and Ink's lake is one of my favorite places to go so we shall see how all that works out. In the mean time I think I am feeling a little better. I am gonna go get some sleep and see what Tomorrow has in in store for me.

Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday Chemo was called off , they said my blood levels were too low and I guesss I apreciate them watching my blood levels while they pour toxic chemicals into to attempt to kill the cancer. I defere to the expertise of the Doctors always but I wonder do I shorten my presently shortened life by allow the put on hold a treatment that I may need. I will need to speak to the Doctor on this when I next see her. I am enjoying the current cold front we are having, Texas really is a wonderful place in the late fall and winter. I like to go camping in the winterand I usually take the boat out and do so me fishing as well. I hope this hold thing gets worked out, It's gonna be a beutiful day.

Always with love
Tony.

I had no Chemo yesterday, they told me it was because my blood levels could not take what they needed to throw at it. I hope their seming lack of urgency is not going to hurt me inthe end. Pam and I ve been have a similar arguement here, Pam thinks I am unwilling to leave the box and attempt something new. I am not wanting to stayin place here because just because it is herem I trust my Doctorbecause she is kind and gentle and I hve never gotten the impression thay she has had any thing but my best intententions at heart. I f there was something new out there she would know about it an tell me about it. Till further notice I am gonn stay in my Box,it's the not worst place to be everyone can develope a comfort most any where they are I apreciate people's concern for my well being Always with love ,
Tony.

The snake is still laying on the patio, headless and benign, which it wasnt last night I am telling myself for the umteentht time that I need to buy a varmint gun. maybe this time I wont just blow it off and next time maybe Will next door wont be home or whatever, I need to get one of my own.It is a beautiful snake, no doubt although seen under proper context very dangeroous. I dont really fear much but a person would be stupid to not to akgnowledge how dangergerous a 5 foot Ratteler would be, I dont know many stupid people and lived through it. We are experiencing beautiful Gorgous evenings, these are the days why people move to Austin and August and september are why the think of moving back.

Always with love,
Tony.

Varmints

Thinking is dangerous and up untill this point I havnt had to do much or couldnt do much. I dont know what has caused the loss of cognignitve abitilties but since I didnt know why I had lost or even that I had it shoulnt have a huge dissapointment when I found I had. Quite the the paradox dont you think? He is not aware of what is changing around him even though he is right there in the middle of things. I am led to believe things are changing, Pam paints a rather grim scene of me being completely unaware.I just killed a 6 ft Rattler snake that the dogs stirred up, I called the neighbor and he came over with his 12 gauge and blew its head off. pretty cool stuff, I am definitelygoing to buy a varmint killer, one of those lose little 40 gauge shot guns that ill get every thing from snakes to Opossums to Armadillos.I was hoping snakes were done done for the year. This one had a very loud rattle and was moving a bit sluggish because of the cold weather. I hadnt seen any this year and certainly none that large, so it is somewhat surprising to run into a big guy this late in the year. hopefully that is the one and only we will see. I am tired guyseveryone rest well.

Always with love,

Tony.

Steven has suggested I talk about fishing more, I certainly like fishing and could probabably spend pages and pages on fishing. When cancer takes over your life and it has for me it's very easy to allow that to become the focus of conversation, there have been some days when I was fairly certain I was going die on that day. What the hell do you talk about when death seems to be immenent?. The Doctor doesnt mention it except to say my cancer is very aggressive. One of these day it will surge forth and plow me under. Now I admit fishing is a much more pleasant topic of convervsation. My brother is coming out for 4 days near the end of November and depending on how I feel, everything seems to depend on that these days, he and I will go fishing. I have found november to be pretty reliable weather wise so I think we may go camping. Perhaps up at Inks Lake, which I really like a lot. It's a very pretty place . One of the thigs I find very interesting with my diease you cannot really make long range plans which was always my thing to do, now I am never certain how I will be feeling at any particular time. On a very off note I am incubating chickens here in the house, I have never done this before and by my calculations may be off althouh I understand they do not need to be precise. I just need to flip them over every now and again. I plan to band the hatchlings and all further Hatchlings the rest of this year, they will be next years young with this years just starting to lay, believe it or not this years young will be old after about about 2 years and and I will have to screw up the courge to make them part of dinner. There is a cycle to all of life.

Aways with love

Tony

I love Texas, I really I do. However I miss fishing on the west coast. When I look back at my earlier years, I went fishing a lot, there were several resovoirs nearby my house. I would catch Pan Fish by the tons . One of my favorite places to go was DelleValle Resovoir, most times the fish would hit before the weight hit the bottom. I guess thats what I miss most about the west coast, the diversity. Within a few hoursI could fly fish crystal clear streams or Delta river for striped Bass. Or I could go into the bay and catch striped bass and we did many times. Texas is great, Dont get me wrong perhaps I just dont have as much time as I used to I certainly Dont have the time recently. I am going to focus on going fishing more often.

Always with love
Tony.

Reflections

I had a blood transfusion yesterday, if any one had told me a year ago I was gonna do this stuff I would have called them nuts. Sometimes I do still float the river of denial, I cannot do that really very very much of that because I am reminded each and and every day of the enemy that lurks within me. Were I a wealthy man I would stay in town only long enough to obtain treatment, leaving thereafter for some exotic place where women wear little and it's always warm. The flip side of this is what if I were alone and had no insurance? I am sure that happens all over the country at some point or another. I am always thankful for Pam in my life I couldnt image what it would be life with out her. This is very tough on her and in some ways I thougher on her than me. I am very focused on my goals and I have come enjoy being alone she has work as well as all the financial worries and then me. She says she wouldnt have it anyother way but I wonder sometimes and I wouldnt blame her one bit if she did. I am still getting rants and raves about the party, of course it went of spectacularly, it always does but this one I think was extra special and will be remembered for some time.

Always with love,

Tony.

Great life

We had the party on Sat and it was fabulous as always, This one did seem be a little more terrific than those in the past. I proved some things to my self such as the fact that it doesnt require as much work to get ready for the party as i thought it did. I used to work for weeks to get thengs ready, This time a round I used my my crew, or rather pammy did and prepared the place. Ryan is a superior musician and the band he brought played some excellent music. we hit a window of wonderful weatherand best of all I felt good. Thats not a sure thing by any stretch these days. I didnt really feel all that great on friday and I dont feel well today. Maybe it was all the positive energy and there was tons of it. I was actually kinda upset at first because I thought this a was a Goodbye party. And the truth is it may very well be for some because some in the group I only see once a year. I cannot believe how nice the weather was and the entire experience can really be sumed up with one one Perfect. For those of you that came and a lot of you that read this page did, I spoke with most of you. For those of you that were envited and didnt come you missed one hell of a party. I have some of the best friends a man could have. I also have a great life.

Always with love,

Tony.

Rabbit hole

I just climbed out of the rabbit hole, I was told there would be some rough moments, I had no idea what was in store for me. I literally lost weeks of my life, dont ask me how many because I dont know. Yesterday, I felt much better and today I actually feel good. I will be thrilled if I never repeat that part of my life again. We are having our fall party on Sat I am looking forward to it very much , we have over 40 on the list . I am searching for words to write, the problem is I have such a huge whole in my memory. I have never experienced such a thing where I search my brain and there juat wasnt any thing there. I will write a gain afterthe party, I should have some thing to say at the poiint.
Always with love ,
Tony.

Do they think we are stupid?

How fruatrating must it be to be Ron Paul? I have wathed this guy Talk and talk telling us what he considers to be the truth and he was just farting in the breeze. People called him a nutt and didnt listen. It turns out that Mr Paul was and is correct, his roots are strong based in libertairianism . we wouldnt be in this predicament if we hadnt spent more than we earned. How difficult is that concept? Spend within your means and no more, didnt our parents do that? I dont think my father owned a credit card. I remember hearing about a bill Congressman Paul wrote called the daylight act, this bill simply required everyone about to sign a bill to read it thouroughly first. Simple? apparently few do and sign anyhow, thats our government at work they are ready spend our money in massive amounts and often havnt even read the bill. Tony's requirement to get a bill signed would be to explain why the money is needed and how much will be needed in five sentences or less, if you cannot then go home and get a real job. Now the guys that built this massive shit hole we are sinking deeper and deeper into have convinced us they need piles of out money so we can get out. They created it and they think they can lead us out. Two words will take care of a lot of this TERM LIMITS,
Always with Love
Tony.

Politics with your Cancer

I think it's interesting that this total stir has developed over the VP selection by John Mccain. The most recent push by the left has been that she is not experienced enoughto take over when Sen Mccain kicks the bucket, I say when because he has been portrayed as old and not having enough time left to complete his term and she in my opinion frightens them. I find it fascinating that on the other end Senator Obama who's main message was change chose a VP who is capable of any but change. This man has been in the Senate for 35 years and has been behind many of the things Obama has vehemently opposed. Tony's # 1 rule in politics is it's all about image, Sen Obama had the image of no experience so he picked a guy with mega experience. Senator Mccain has the image of age and intolerance, who better than Gov Palin, young vibrant and conservative, very conservative. IMAGE, thats all thats importatnt. I believe a very early VP was right when he said the Vice Presidents office amounts to bucket of warm spit. I had a Chemo treatment to and I got my MRI and CT scan reports back, I do actually have a brain much to many people's disbelief. The brain I do have is currently free of Cancer. The CT scan has found a fifty percent shrinkage in my lymph nodes in my chest. The oncologist says that is much better than expected. She is very happy with the current progress, I like it when my oncologist is happy.
Always with Love
Tony.

Just another crisis

This journey of mine called cancer has provided many challenges, some I have written about others are far too personal and have not. For the most part I have weathered the challenges and come out the other side just a little worse for the wear, this is cancer after all. I have had my wonderful wife there every step of the way, I think save a few incidents the various crisis have been harder on her than me. Yesterday everything changed, the day started normally enough, I felt some preasure and a little pain in my lungs I have felt that before. Pammy says she knew something was wrong, I dont know that would have made any difference but she still was beating herself up about it. We left the house to run errands around mid afternoon we stopped for lunch, The pressure in my right lung had been building, it has done this before and I thought it would subside. It didnt. We had just finished lunch when I asked Pammy to take me to the ER I could not breath and the pain was tremendous. The next hour or so untill the Morphine went into the IV was the longest of my life and I was convinced I was gonna die. We pulled into the ER there was a nurse out front taking a woman to her car in a wheel chair I got her attention by shouting I can't breath. Shouting it a dozen more times in the crowded waiting room got me into the back within moments and angering the waitng people. Remember, I thought I was gonna die. It took maybe another 30 minutes or so, though it seemed like hours. Finally sweet relief and I realized I would live after all. When all was said and done, after an Exray and CT scan nothing was found abnormal. That has been a constant theme for me, my lung scans have been normal, the blood clots were there as they expected but no damage they could see that would cause the pain. The Doctor could only guess and say that debris has sluffed off and settled in causing the crisis. After several hours they released me with pain pills which I took when I got home. This morning everything is back to normal I feel tired from the experience but have no Pain. Go figger, such is my life and it makes me wonder what the next crisis will bring.
Always with love,
Tony.

Beauty pageant

I cannot really get as lathered up about politics as a lot of people. This game they play is all performance art, one large beauty contest. should we then be surprised when we get what we have so far? The issues that are important to me usually put people to sleep and thats the problem with politics these days. We no longer as a peple care about the constitution and recent events further prove that. I never thought I would our government nationalize large finanancial institutions and basicly people are cheering it on. it's already a done deal but we should have run away form this one as fast as we could. we didnt, lord knows how many future generations will pay for this. Has anybody forgott hat we have a Medicare and social security crisis looming?

Always with Love ,
Tony.

Stuff

This week seems to have gotten busy, i have taken Pam to work including to day. twice and yesterday I had a client meeting while I was out. Today I will visit a number of my properties and gear up for fall. I guess this is wahat management means, I sure like it a lot better than sitting around wating for something to happen. On Moday tests were taken, A CT and an MRI to gauge the progress that being made by the Chemo. I have not heard the results yet, I suspect I will get them next tues when I go in for my next round of Chemo. I really dont have any thing else for today , lets see if I can do better next time.
Always with love,
Tony.

Fall party

Awonderful cold front has come throught this morning and the Temps are in the 60's, combine some rain with that and it would be fabulous. No such luck on the rain but dang doesnt the cool feel good? Pam and I were married on Oct 14 2000, she jokes now and says we are the only couple she knows of that has hellicopter photos at the beginning of our album. Her father had to be flown out by hellicopter minutes before the wedding began. I mention this because her father was put in ICU and our reception was kinda abreviated, we spent our wedding night at the hospital. We came up with the idea of having an anniversary party the following year and have had one on or around the 14th of Oct since. We do not call it an anniversary party anymore we now call it our fall party. This year it will be on Oct 11th and we are looking forward to it as always. Obviously this year will be different, oh we will still have all the wonderful friends and food and live music. So I suppose all in all things will be the same as ever, I do look forward to the parties, we have always liked to entertain people and I do not want that to change. Fall is coming soon, the change is welcome Fall is a great time in Texas I think I am gonna go camping and fishing as much as I can.

Always with love,
Tony.

Cooler weather

The hurricane was a total bust as far as rain for us at home, althought the north breeze that is filtering in behind it sure feels good and should keep temps and humidity down for a few days. This is the time of year I like most, this time of the year keeps people living in Central Texas, because who the heck would want to live here if it were 100 degrees year around? The damage created by Ike on the coast was certainly impressive and it seems Texas has has been eager to respond. I go back and forth on what the correct response should be to people that live in an area that will have a hurricane at some point. Houston is one thing, there are what 5 million people there? Disaster that occurs there will need to be dealt with on a large scale, I wonder though about the people that have homes right on the coast and what their responsibility for damage should be. This thought may not be politically correct but if you live on the coast should not your homeowners insurance be higher than mine? and mine shouldnt go up because there was a hurricane that destroyed homes and people want to replace them. Texas has some of the highest rates in the country and the insurance companies constantly use costly hurricane seasons as an excuse to hike the rates on everyone. I reject this theory and think that if you really want to live somewhere your house may get trashed by a natural disaster, then you pay more for the priveledge. Afterall who wouldnt want to live on the coast, it's gorgous, some can afford it and some cant. I am gonna enjoy the cooler weather and complain about the fact an over hyped hurricane gave us no rain at all.

Always with love,
Tony.

I had to laugh yesterday, a friend called from Michigan to ask how we were doing. I told her we could use some rain and Ike probably wasnt gonna deliver. She was kinda stunned, she was certain we were preparing to climb in a rowboat any time. The reason for the chuckle is I had just finished an entry here earlier and she hadnt yet read it but had just gotten home from work and of course had heard all the media coverage on the devastation Ike was creating. Pam and I went to a friends house for dinner and they had the weatherchannel on, I cannot imagine why anyone would want to watch a 24/7 weather channel. Thats really the world we are in now isnt it? News is 24/7 and there is a lot of it available You could sit there and literally watch Hurricane all the the time. Before my Mother in law passed on she would do little more than spend hours watching Sattelite TV and she would get caught up in the drama that was some skirmish at the far ends of the earth or the inevitable catostrophic flood in Bagladesh. I wonder when news actually crosses the line and becomes enternaiment what that says about us as people and a society. We as a people do love to watch a train wreck and have a fascination with other peoples distress, I guess it has really always been that way, only now if some poor woman in Bangladesh has to climb a tree during a flood and then has a baby while in the tree, millions hear about it before the baby is born. I ask again what that says about us, I guess I really shouldnt, one need only look homeward and the purely performance art that is our presidential election to get a great example of who we are and want we want for entertainment.

Always with love,
Tony.

Of Hurricanes and drama

Here I am in Central Texas and yet one more Hurricane is about to hit the coast. Oh but this one had so much promise. I have lost count how many have preceeded it, each one with the promise of soaking rain, no such rain delivered. Ike is is likely to repeat this sorry little drama as it's predecessors have. I have long since derived any pleasure from the herds of meterologists standing on the seawalls of Texas getting drenched when a surge heads skyward and I have wondered, is it considered a rite of passge for some weather person to be blown sideways in a 60 mile an hour wind? Inevitably I am required to calm my mother down when she calls thinking the entire state of Texas is under water. Drama and media are enextricably entertwined, how can that be argued, with a presidential election on the horizon. For that reason I watch little or no Television, I listen to news on radio, I think it is important to know what is going on. I do get tired of the drama and the hyperbole and take it with a grain of salt. Yesterday I spoke beiefly of clarity of mind, having had experienced a day of such clarity and knowing today will be the same or better, I feel I have gone over a hump. I do not know what my physical state is going to be, I regularly get tired and need to nap but I am thrilled with the fact that mind is clearing and will consider this a victory.

Always with love,
Tony.

I am not Lazy

I talked to my friend Steven the other day to touch bases and he called me lazy because I havnt written here for some days. I am not a writer, I dont have either the discipline nor the creativity to come up with engaging reparte each and every day, Sometimes things strike me as intersting or some part of may past jumps in and I share it. The more humorous part of this is I spoke with Steven's wife a day or two later and she told about a book she found and was gonna send my way. She said the book was written by a woman who had experienced similar issues as I have, the name of the book is " I have had brain surgery what is your excuse? " In jest I have used that line. The thing is when you combine the hole that was drilled in the left side of my skull and all the other issues like massive amounts of radiation and now Chemo, not to mention the meds a simple question asked of me such as " How are you? " is not as simple as one might think. It's even funnier when a Doctor asks the question, I have started answering them I have no idea, you tell me. I will say honestly I am experiencing a clearer mind if not a stronger body of late, along with the clearer mind comes an ability to make decisions I couldnt make previously. I think this will improve and I have noticed that as it has my little world I was cocooned within has expanded. This journey has at the very least been interesting, that seems strange to say, but after all it is my life and from where I stand I just calls em as I sees em.

Always with love,
Tony.

It feels good to work

Somewhere in the continuim that is time and space I lost a good chunck of what was last week. I had a Chemo treatment on Tues, nothing terribly exciting as usual, Wed went fairly normal. On Thursday I was wiped out, no energy. I watched 9 straight hours of Macgyver season 1 I had it courtesy of Netflix. Who didnt want to be that guy at one time? Well maybe it was a man thing, nonetheless he was cool and it was the perfect RX for what ailed me on that day. On Friday I slept all day long or at leat in between short attempts at getting something done. All is not lost because I had work scheduled for Sat and not only did I work a full day I also drove my truck and trailer to the sight and home. This may sound silly to some but it was and is important to me. Of all my limitations I have become aware of over the last coule of months driving was the one that bothered mr the most. I felt confined and chained to the house, I had assumed I wouldnt be able to react quickly enough if I took the wheel. Fortunately That wasnt true and we all survived just fine. I was also unsure about how long I could work on Sat, I had to push myself a few times. I have to say it felt great to work, I dont know what is yet to come, I do know a few questions I had were answered, I will accept the victories as minor as they may be.

Always with love ,
Tony

The culprit has been identified

I can not remember a time in my life where I have been prone to to extremes of emotion, highs and lows were not a part of my emotional makeup. Certainly there were slightly blue moments and most certainly there were happy moments, as most people experience. The last few months have been a totally different thing all together. No emotion at all for some people might be described as a good thing, a kindof robotic state where tasks are accomplished as long as instructions are receved. When I was in the hospital I have little memory of what occured, I am told it was because of large amounts of drugs especially one by the name Dexamethazone, a steroid and a not a very nice one even though it does it's job very well which is reduce swelling. I have been on that particular steroid now for since I was released and the Docs have cranked it up and cranked it down. Time has come to get rid of it all together and since I know it is responsible for all that has made me less than normal isnt it great that at the end of the tapering off I can believe life will again be good and productive? I am ready to feel true emotion again, I am ready to get excited again. I have told people I feel Muted, I am ready to shut off the mute button. I doubt many people will have any idea what I am talking about, I may not know what I am talking about. I may be hanging my hat on something that may not happen. We shall see, either way I yearn to feel normal again.

Always with love,
Tony.

I seem to latch on to one subject and then expand from there, the initial thought is not always easy to grab. Pammy and I have been discussing for several years since her Father then her Mother passed on how we would take care of our final affairs. It wasnt that it was difficult to do with her parents, in fact it was fairly simple because her parents had most things prepared. Having said that, My wife and I proceeded to a place in Austin called Remembrance Gardens. I knew of this place without knowing all the details. I researched it on the the web and was pleased with what I heard. We arrived and took a walk in the Gardens, Immediately I was surrounded by large old growth Oaks and an immaculate Garden. There was running water to be heard, and serenity was the word that came to mind. Pammy and I have always said we would be cremated that has not changed, we just hadnt decided what we would do next. Remembrance Gardens will place a small Granite marker in the garden with the names engraved. They will also perform a ceremony distributing ashes if you wish. As we walked through the garden we noticed the entire Garden was nondemonational, it seems any religeon or nationality was welcome. The Gardens had a wall honoring Peace officers killed in the line of duty. We have decided to put a marker in the garden, so people that wish will have a place to come, a beautiful place a Serene place, the sort of place I might create for myself.

Always with love,
Tony.

I have resisted making a bucket list, ya know the list one might make in order to satisfy things not yet accomplished. I certainly have a few whimsical items like Parachuting, Bungee jumping, such really unimportant things in the grand scheme. The fact that will conveniently hide away and if I do not remind my self regularly I can forget during my daily activities. My condition is terminal, I know this, everyone knows. I mention all this in order to get to a point, I had quit smoking nearly 2 years ago, having smoked for 30 years, I always loved to smoke, anyone with common sense knows it wasnt good for you, I knew it wasnt good for me and I did it anyhow. I dont believe many nonsmokers understand how it becomes a part of your life to the point you do not even think about it. When I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer it was like Geeze I quit for what, in fact the general consensus normally is whats gonna happen? You gonna get Cancer? Because it was a warm friend whispering to me, because normal was what I wanted, what I needed, what didnt exist in my life, I started smoking again. Few people blinked or said a word except one. Erika, I have written about her, anyone that knows me knows how I feel about that young woman. I wont go into to all that, I didnt anticipate her response. I didnt think she would like it much , I didnt expect what I got. Suffice to say I am quitting smoking, there are good reasons for it medicine wise, there is research to suggest continuing to smoke undermines treatment. It took one person to slap me upside the head and remind me where no one else did. Just one more reason why this young woman is important to me.
Always with love,
Tony.

Should I choose to peer back through the length of my life, which by the way has not been nearly long enough, I would like a lot more if anyone is listening. Having said that, when I do look back the one constant has been and still is fishing. I think I have done more fishing than nearly anything else, except work of course, I did need to support my habit with something. I supose there are people that do not like fishing, although I could not tell you why anyone wouldnt, that just seems a little bent to me. I have fished all kinds of water, caught all kinds of fish in many parts of the country. One might think I have a favorite, I have places I have yet to go and would love to try those. Most of these places would be rivers and would require a flyrod to participate, such as most any river in wilderness Alaska. I have read about places in Yellowstone Park where the only way one can get to the wilderness areas is by Horseback. What a blast that would be to stand in a river in the middle of nowhere, snowpeaked mountains surrounding you, flycasting for cutthroat trout or Brown trout. I have to be honest some of the most fun I have had is in places where you just plain catch a lot of fish. Years ago a friend and I would go down to the Ca delta and camp at night, fishing more than ever sleeping and catching scads of Catfish. Another example would be fishing a Ca reservois for Panfish and throwing them back just because there are so darned many and you dont want to clean them all. There is a small stock pond here locally that has Largemouth Bass that might make a tournament fisherman take pause. I have gone there a number of times and caught Large mouth and Sunfish until I just decided to quit and not because the fish were not biting. I love to fish, I really do.

Alwys with love,
Tony.

I love the dirt, I like the way it smells and the way it feels in my my hands I am a plant guy. I have spent the last 10 years learning Texas plants and have gotten to know and love them. I dont believe there is another place in the country other than the desert of course that is as harsh during long stretches of time. I have been telling clients for years that I spend 9 months a year preparing for 3 months, July, August, September. I Love using Native plants in the landscape, I can hardly think of a more varied , hardy selection of plants available. I have given my sweat, blood and many, many hard hours to my company for 8 years now. I miss working in the dirt and have begun working here at the house for a few hours in the morning. Then there are people like the guy that contacted me to Bid his ladscape right before labor and wants done within a week. The realestate guys are the worst, the last guy actually told me, the client wants a colorful front yard and some shrubs in the back and he wants it for next to nothing. I have encountered that time after time.
Always with love,
Tony

Same old same old?

Here we are in the Democratic National Convention, call me cynical but wasnt Sen Obama the agent for change and hope? If he sincerely believes his message how could he possibly look at the glutfest that were the parties before and after the convention it self and not grimace. The parties were totally paid for by private donation, which mean Lobbyists. I read 50 million dollars, and of course the lobbyists were streaming in left and right in jets and limos, undoubtedly with their hands out looking for returns on their investments.I saw a list of lobbyists, and here is a surprise, each and everyone of them has a pending bill somewhere in the congress in the coming session. Here is another surprise, everyone who was anyone in in politics were at these parties. I wasnt really all upset or offended, I did expect a little out cry, afterall hope and change seems to a little hard to find in the place where you think it might be abundant. I need to ask Sen Obama should you win this election exactly what kind of change will occur? I only see one heck of a lot of the same with everyone involved spinning it into a pretty little package. It's my opinion and I am entitled to voice it.
Always with love,
Tony.

I have always loved a good irony, they always seem just a little bittersweet when you are smack dab in the middle of them. As I have recounted, my Mom came out right after my surgery, that now seems a lifetime ago. My mother has battled type 2 diabetes for years, never seeming to be able to get a handle on her levels. She stayed here at the house for two weeks, now whether we had any thing to do with it or not I do not know. I do know we only had certain things to eat here, we didnt go out to eat at all. When my mother left to go home her sugar levels had dropped dramatically, she was constantly showing levels above 300 and sometimes 400 before she came to stay. When she left her morning levels were in the low 100's as they should be and she was facing the unforseeable, her Dr might have to adjust her insulin levels. I hear from my mother regularly now and she tells me of how low her sugar is as well as how much weight she has lost. Sorry about the longwinded aproach, here comes the Irony. A week ago or so I began experiencing what my neuro guy called focal seizures, he and the Oncolologist cranked up the steroids and seizure meds. Those have stopped, I was about to have some Chemo last Tues and they checked blood levels. They put a hold on the Chemo because of low platletts and my blood sugar was above 400. I am now a temporary diabetic. I knew from the hospital that blood sugar was connected steroids because the nurse would test often when I was taking the steroids. I am now testing myself, forced to consider what I eat and and how much, My Primary Doc has given me a Diabetic pill to lower levels. I love a good Irony and here I am in the middle of one, Bittersweet as it may be.
Always with love,
Tony.

here I am in a familiar position before the crack of dawn, wide awake, writing thoughts down. Yesterday I was able to replace my lenses in my glasses and wow, I can see nearly normal again, the Ophthomologist said nearly 20/20 and he may be right. I think this a big one, it was difficult to navigate with my mid range vision all out whack. I do not watch very much television,I prefer to get my news from the internet, the day to day stuff important here from the radio and the international stuff from the News Hour on PBS. However, for some reason I had a regular broadcast news program on the other day and a segment was focusing on infant mortaliity in the US and we have the highest in the world. Does that even compute? It sure didnt to me. We are the wealthiest, yet we lose more babies under a year old than any other country? This ought to outrage every single soul alive. The bulk of these children aparently are lost to premature birth and this happens because the mothers are very young and many receive no prenatle care. The libertarian part of me wonders if we might not be sacrificing home for over there, of course things are a lot more complicated than that and I am certainly not qualified to ascess the state of the union. I am a huge proponent of the Fairtax ( Fairtax.org ) and obviously spending in this country has gone way out of control, the deficit has not been checked. Thats the end of my political commentary for today.
Always with love,
Tony.

Kaleidescope

What is normal? I realized this morning sitting here contemplating what to write that since July 4th I have been searching for normalcy. I also realize the terms of that word have shifted like a kaleidoscope, never staying the same long enough for me define the term. I have certainly tried and at times I thought I could grab on, slippery as it was. As humans we are obsessed with Quantifying and measuring things, we just cannot help ourselves. One of the most troubling questions I have encountered on this journey is also the simplest. How are you feeling? It has been asked countless times by family and friends, understandbly so, they are concerned and wish to know if I am making progress. This may all come back to the measurement thing, when asked this question I would invariably answer " Feeling ok" and then we would move on to other things. After many such answers I came to realize I was basing my answer on what I thought the person asking the question wanted to hear. Years ago, while sitting in a restaurant with my father he commented on the busy waitress and how when she greeted you , your answer could really be anything and she would smile and respond has she had thousands of time before. I experienced a lot of that while working in the salon in Ca and would see countless clients every month, I always remember what my father said and rather than ask the standard " how are you doing" I would make sure I knew their name, make it personal and the paradigm seemed ro shift a bit, Kinda Zen huh? Why in the heck have I wandered in this direction I am not sure. If those that read this have trouble deciphering the stuff I will not be surprised. It all comes down to this the ever shifting Kaleidescope that is my life, my being, my now, simply is. I have not quite figured out what to do with whatever form I discover at any given time, That I am still working on as I peer through the Kaleidescope.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I awoke this morning with the intention of adressing an email written to me by Shannon and adressing my brother Clark, he often writes of me and to me on his own Blog. My brother first, he calls my cancer the elephant in the room that he attempts to ignore. if he has the elephant in the room that is my cancer then he most certainly has the baby version. The jumbo version resides at my home and most often climbs in my lap, not allowing any ingorance of it's presence. I am enjoying very much Clark's heightened envolvement in my life he and I have planned things down the road and I look forward to all of it. Clark says he started his Blog because of my cancer and has increased his involvement with me also because of my cancer, whatever the case I say keep it up. he also claims he is the better looking brother, that is subjective but intelligence is not and I will claim to be the more intelligent brother. Intentions aside this morning I received a call from the office of my primary Doc and he told me to come in immediately, he is attempting to gain control of my surging blood sugar. My friend Jim was kind enough to take me up so maybe one little fire is about to be put out. Back to Shannon, whom I have refered to as our Love child, she didnt understand how a certain med could affect my blood sugar. I dont understand how it does either but this particular steroid does and it is also very effective on the swelling. So I need to have it and just deal with the sugar levels. She also made a remark about how I missed grape juice, I wasnt kidding it is a major bummer that I cannot consume Grape juice. I think she believes me because when she was here awhile back I hooked her on it.......SIGH. Shannon, I adore you and when I finish this round of Chemo and go on a break, we shall party.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Tangled

I really do not know what I expected on July 4th when I was diagnosed, I kinda put my head down and did what I always do trudged forth thinking I could handle what came. For the most part I have done just that, the little things have piled up and have tangled me. I dont want to get lost in all the medical stuff but it's the little medical stuff that has snared me in a web that I currently need to pull myself out of. I thought I would go straight thru Chemo with no problems, the first treatment created a reaction and the second fools with my platlets. I was having " Focal seizures " down my right arm and the Doc increased my steroids. Now my blood sugar level has gone out of sight. I really feel kinda ok but I dont have enough energy to work and the guys really dont need me. I do feel tangled and with my best effort I will attempt to work at realeasing myself. My biggest regret right now is with the blood sugar thing going on I cant drink Grape juice which I truly love and is full of natural sugar. Thats my motivation get the sugar thing solved so I can have Grape juice again.Thats the update for now, I am tangled in the web that is Cancer my current task seems to untangle as best I can, at least that is clear if nothing else.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I am constantly rearranging this current life I have been given, the one thats entangled with the disease called cancer. I was given advice by scores of people, I listened politely some of it was highly inspirational and valuable, some of it was plain unusable. what has become logical to me is to write a list and pick the items off one at a time untill the list is complete. Pammy was asking if I get lonely being alone all day and the truth is I really dont and find peace and solitude. the hardest part is watching the scene fill in and realizing what I can do and cannot, therefore my disabilities lie before me. Over the weekend a weird hand spasm on my right side came to light, it began in earnest on sunday and continues thru today, the Neurologist calls it Focal seizure activity. His answer is to pile Meds on top of current meds, one more thing that keeps me from going out there and doing something instead of doing things inside the house. I really want to get out side and do some work, obviously I have some other issues to resolve first, I am gonna end this here and now today.
Alaways with love,
Tony.

I have not written since Friday, I had an early client meeting on Sat and errands to run. We then had guests coming for dinner,a thunderstorm came thru on Sat afternoon and took our internenet out untill monday afternoon. I have not had a chance to get back on untill now. I really do not have any particular inspiration to write and my right hand will just break out into spasms at any moment which makes it difficult do do anything. I did have a Chemo Appt the clinic put it on hold because my bood platlets were too low, the good news is I dont have another for two weeks. My tip for this week is do not try to grill Ribeyes in a thunder storm, alternately, the pan fried version was overwhelmingly applauded. The bright side is the Doc's have doubled my steroid and anti seizure meds, I may be once again writing at 3am.
Always with love,
Tony.

Of reading and Butterflies

I have rediscovered the Joys of reading, as long as I can remember I have loved to read. From early childhood I have read often and voraciously, I am very finicky, whatever I choose to read has to capture my attention almost immediately, that may sound kinda narrow in requirements for a good read, I think not I just have high standards. After the brain surgery I was literally unable to read. I was not able to focus, I would read the same page over and over again. I just gave up reading for a a few months, In a local bookstore I found a booka of a favorite author I handnt read for a while. The author's name is Lee Child, he is a Brit and uses a regular character by the name of Jack Reacher. Every single book of his I have read has been in my opinion very good and the most recent terrific. Vince Flynn is another favorite, he uses a character by the name of Mitch Rapp and Mitch Rapp is the inspiration for Jack Bauer who is the character on The TV show 24. I noticed when I was sitting outside this morning that the Butterflies are coming back. I had only seen a smattering of them up to this point, this year has been the driest I have ever seen and the temperatures have been in the nineties and 100's more times times than I can count I am told all are a record. We have barely been able to keep the garden alive this year and are just nursing it waitinf for fall and lower temps and possibly blessed rain. The Butterflies are here in good numbers, I like that, it signifies life, I always find that to be confirming and I also just like to sit out an d watch them.

Always with love
Tony.

The last few nights I have actually slept past 6:00, thats a pretty amazing thing to me when I was used to waking up at 2 or 3 am. I am still wrestling with my exact position and what I should be doing during the day. I do the majority of the bookeeping and keep up with clients, I do housekeeping as well so Pammy wont have to deal with it. We have a housekeeper that comes in every two weeks and kinda takes up the slack and polishes up behind me. I guess all in all it's not a bad life if Cancer were not the impetis behind it. I supose after time I will come to settle in and be more okay with things. Over the weekend in Matagorda my friend steven and I sat on the back deck on sunday morning and we talked. After a little while the talk swung my life before Texas and right away I discovered why Steven was a good law enforcement officer and currently is a very good judge. He knew how to ask the tough questions and did, one after another, hitting the truth every time. I am not going to talk about every little part of the conversation, I will just say, Thank you Steven , you did give me emotional relief. I still feel guilt for not having a relationship with my son. I have altered my perception where my Father and history repeating it self is concerned, what my father did and what I did can hardly be compared although I did for many years. I think my ex wife was a ballistic missle pointed at divorce for many years and that would have happened no matter my actions. Guilt really sucks and I am glad to have a little less of it. Always with love,
Tony.

Friendship and Chemo begins

I felt compelled today to exapand a little on my friends, Steven and Analisa. We had a fabulous weekend with them. I have already written about the weekend, so I will write a little about the people. Pammy and Analisa were good friends in Highschool, they lost touch and reconnected after a number of years of seperation. Children were grown and life was well into the middle years. reestablishing contact and a personal relationship with these two has been one of the greatest joys of our life. I count Steven as my most valued friend and I know Pammy feels the same about Analisa. We are incredibly blessed to have these people in our lives. Yesterday Chemo started, Texas Oncology has taken something so Chaotic and disorgonised like Cancer and turned it into business of course more than that they have organised Chaos. Everything they do is well run, they have people to handle every aspect. I have been continually impressed by their professionalism, respect for the patient and their Compassion. I went yesterday prepared to spend the entire day, I had an appt with my Oncologist first, she is a very caring woman and is willing to address every issue. I then went to the infusion room which is simply a large room with 35 chairs the chairs are very comfortable and meant to be sat in or reclined for hours at a time. Erika and I had planned lunch I brought things that could be microwaved, right before we started eating they put the Chemo drug in and not too long after I had a reaction. The reaction was hardly noticable at first, Erika noticed and asked if aything was wrong. I stopped eating and sat back for a moment and I think I said something about feeling a little weird. I let it go a little longer and then told Erika to go get someone Because I felt like someone had Cranked the thermostat. for thirty minutes or so things were a little crazy, they got the reaction under control, switched to another drug and all was good to go. I will have to go next Tues and have another treatment, then treatments will be 2 weeks apart, I trust the Dr to have my needs well in hand, This journey has really just begun, I am sticking around for the long Haul.

Always with love

Tony.

Matagorda was sucha great place to get away I think I quite literally was hung over from total immersement that I experienced. I havnt since the Brain surgery slept very well, I still have not arranged things to get that in order. When I am home it really isnt a huge problem, my wife complains some and I understand totally. The problem really shoots to the forefront when we spent time with company, as we did when my family was here and in Matagorda. Ultimately it all rests on my shoulders to seperate my self from the company and go to bed, why would one do that if you are enjoying the company and they show no sign of flagging themselves? So many things to figure out and life kinda has to be dealt with as well. When we arrived home from Matagorda we had a ton of business stuff to get done before Monday could proceed. We were both tired from the weekend and had to work well into the night to complete needed issues. There was no opportunity available yesterday for a post, with a lot business to take care of , so here I am today having shaken of my Matagorda hangover and resumed the quirky life that is mine. Chemotherapy begins this morning, I enter this arena with a fair amount of trepidation, having not the foggiest of ideas what I will experience. The treatment center has certainly done their job giving out the proper information and possible side effects, there are so many variables and much of is individual, therin lies the trepidation. Having transcended the primary battle, a little worn and tattered, I shall fight on through this and take what comes my way. I know no other method.

Always with love,

Tony.

I think Matagorda Texas is one of the most beautiful places on earth, the coastline has it's own rough beauty and I have been staying right on the cooastline. I am posting this blog on the back deck, having only the wind and the surf for company. It is pitch dark around me and the humid Texas coastal air wraps me in a blanket, it is a nearly primordial feeling and I like it, it is invigorating, recharging. We spent the better part of yesterday on the beach, I have been on many beaches, Ca mostly, the beaches I liked in Ca were for scenic reasons only. Ca beaches contain a raw power and are to be respected and awed. I have walked them and taken in the majesty. Yesterday, when we had driven across the sand and parked literally ten feet from the surf the experience was totally different. The Texas coastline doesnt require all to proclaim awe and majesty it simply reaches out and says " Experience me " and you cannot help your self so of course you do. The area was a beehive of activity, boats buzzing by in the water ahead, both pleasure, sport and Shrimp boats. The shrimp boats were the most interesting to watch, they would drag their nets across the bottom undoubtedly stirring all that was there, hopefully picking up Shrimp in the process. The intersting part is the attention this activity attracts, Sea birds of many varieties have learned the diiner bell is ringing during this activity. The Porpoises also come, knowing food is handy. I had known all of this, just from reading and having seen it in different ways, I didnt know however that a lot of times and I did see it yesterday, a fishing boat will come in and edge up behind the Shrimper. The profusion of aggitated bottom and shrimp around in the water calls the Gamefish and therefore the game fisherman. I thoroughly enjoyed wading in the surf and casting bait for fish, didnt catch annything and it was just good fun. I will be heading home soon, feeling revived and relaxed.
Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday was graduation day, no cap and gown rquired. I simply had to endure 20 treatments of radiation. I have no idea the tolls this energy wave have taken on my body, the doctor claims I have come through spectacularly. For the most part I feel really good and the most recent scans show my head to be cllean, so there ya go, I am graduated. The ceremony was small, a certificate presented by the Doctor;s nurse, some confetti tossed and off to Matagorda for a weekend of celebration and relaxation. I musnt forget the fabulous lunch we had before we went to my graduation, it was Chinese. The plan was to drive down to the coast and meet our friends and spend their 35th anniversary together, they invited us not the other way around. Anticipating the trip and their anniversary I decided they needed some sort of worthy gift, not having a clue I called their daughter, who has designated herself as our " Lovechild." She obviously has parents, she simply has attached herself to me and Pammy out of Love. When I asked her what would be apropriate, she simply said Foodiie type things. Armed with that information there is only one place to go in Austin, Whole Foods. Here is where it got fun, they have a Concierge, for a very minimal fee this woman, she was cute, drug me around asking me all kinds of questions and selecting things. I can tell you now because we presented the give last night and success was had. I never knew the 35th was Jade, Pammy did and she was prepared with a small bowl, success again. We drove about 3 hours from Austin to meet the couple, to only find out the House our friends had rented weeks back was not available because the A/C was not functional. How many people believe that at 6:30 in the evening we could find alternate accomodations, I am not talking hotel, I am talking Beach rental house. None other than my Love chilld could do it, of course could. She got online and by 7:30 we were in another house and I am told it is better than the first for aproximately the same price. here is the part that still blows me away, whomever owns this house took no deposit, in fact he took no money at all. He simply stated his terms and a check wiil be mailed on Monday. This should give pause to even the most cynical I dont consider myself Cynical and it surprised the hell out of me.
Enjoying the Gulf breeze,
Always with love,
Tony.

I can renember as a young child being sick a nummber of times, although he never said as much I dont think my father was happy about that. Again it was never said but something like " Lets throw this one back and make another " has the right tenor behind the words. The wildest ride I can remember during my childhood is when I was 9 or so I woke up one morning with my neck hurting bad. My father being the ultimate arbiter of all such things searched for a leaking blood source, having not found even the tiniest amout of blood I was declared healthy and told to go outside and play.When all I could do was stand there with my head on my shoulder making moaning noises, Even my father had to concede, " The boy needs to go to the Doctor. Permission in hand I was taken. At this point the story gets bizzarre, because it was 1969 and not a later version of history my mom escaped childabuse charges. The doctor claimed the damage done couldnt have occured any other way except a severe beating. I guess I convinced the Doctor I had not been beaten. For my troubles I was admitted into the hospital and placed in Traction for ten days. Traction, was initially created during the inquisition to torture people, then was used later on 9 yr old boys to punish them for not telling the truth. After my Traction was complete I was placed in a full back brace which I had to wear for the next 10 months. It gets even more Bizzarre. The diagnosis was given as a dislocated cervical vertebrae, to this day a mistery, it couldnt have happened and yet it did, I set presedence early in my life. I wore this back brace through the summer and into the fall, I believe my school work was being sent to the house. I dont know how I slept in the darn thing or did much of anything, this certainly prove the old addage that time heals most wounds. Certainly time has dulled the sharpness of what should be a vivid memory. One last chapter to this saga. The Christmas holidays were quickly coming, normally a joyfull time, I always enjoyed them, I caught the chicken Pox the week before. I could not join the family for Christmas, I will have to hunt down the photo, I have seen it, I was laying on a couch in my back brace, Dotted with the Pox and looking physically as though I had been recently rescued from a concentration camp. Fortunately the Back brace eventually came off. The most startling event connected to that was the fact that I had no strength in my neck muscles and it took hours to be able to hold my head up.

Always with love,
Tony.

The port of entry for my poison of choice was implanted today and it was all just kimda routin and not vry exciting. I am unaware other than what they told me they wre going to to do, the team did such a great job with the meds I plainly slept through it all, Great.I am looking forward to the Island this weekend, having a few days off will be enjoyed most heartedly. Pammy and I are getting into this Rythyum, I beleieve we will handlle whatever comes our day, It is obvious the the nature of what is comiing and and it all has a name Cancer, that feared name of alll, I dont think I fear it. We are heading for the beach tomorrow, I just plan on hanging out and enoying every breath that enters my body, this particular point seems to contain and ending and a beginning, there is value in all all of this I am looking fforward to it. sorry about the shortie.

Always with Love
Tony.

I am always amazed at how quickly time passes, even at a point of my life when I might want the flow to slow a bit, it blurs on by. Friday ends my adventure in radiation, The Doctor tells me it has been a success, I have few reasons to believe otherwise. Other than a sunburn on my bald head it wasnt terribly traumatic either. The Cancer treatment train rumbles on, it now feels like an unstoppable force, more than once yesterday I found myself thinking " I would like to get off now" No such luck in that regard. In all fairness, the treatment center that is working with me do an incredible job under difficult circumstances. To a person they have been professional and helpful, how they keep a positive and mostly cheerful attitude is way beyond me. The radiation dept treats what I find myself upon as a sort of graduation, the departing patient rings a bell and has confetti thrown. I understand the need to congratulate a person for the completion of what for some is very difficult process. I experienced none of that, am I also due a congratulation? Pammy and I attended what the cancer center calls Chemo Class yesterday, they said it would take an hour and half, I guess it did, although it seemed like it was hours. I now know evrything I never wanted to know about Chemotherapy, certainly there are peices of information I needed and will use. I guess it was necessary for the Nurse that was hosting the class to talk in circle and repeat herself adnauseum, I do not have a lot of patience for that stuff. Armed with this information I march into Chemo therapy on Tues, the largest concern at this point is nausea. There is nothing appealing about this, I trust tho that the doctor is well on top of the potiential problem. the receiving of the Chemo will happen once every three weeks and intententionally is structured casually, I have no real precoceived notions of what I will experience during and after, so my plan is is to trudge on dealing with what comes up as it does.

Always with love,
Tony.

I am not certain why I chose this photo this morning as a starting point to write about about, I simply saw it in my Archives and thought it felt apropriate. This little mutt was the most irrascable creature I have ever had the privelige to know. He was dumped at the end of our street many years ago, that happened more often in those days as we were very rural and are somewhat less so now. His name was Homey and to say he had an attitude would be an understatement. His time is finished on this planet and like all dogs his memory and purpose is often limited to that of those that housed him and cared for him. Homey was a dog that had a rough first part of his life and once he decided he would live here, I believe he decided, he truly wasnt gonna let anyone forget where he came from. He loved having the 2 acres upon which we live and would rome all over, he would accept the food and the utility room during cold months to sleep. Most every thing else was off limits, when you would try to brush or pet him his teeth would bare and he would growl the entire time. As if to say go ahead and do what you are doing and I will complain the whole time. Towards the end of his life, he plainly and destinctly announced, " No one shall screw with me " thus it was so. Homey received no baths or grooming and became very stinky. Much like one of those big shaggy homeless guys we see and are afraid to get near. Cya ya homey, I think you were a cool dog. This morning I attend Chemo class, I dont know what that entails, I will tell you tho that it has made the whole thing just a tad bit more real. One week from today Chemo therapy begins and it dont get any more real than that. I will have an entry port surgically implanted in my right shoulder this Thursday, kind of an easy access point for all of those nasty chemicals that are supposed to kill the Cancer and somehow not me. Knowing all this, you have to say the next move was a stroke of genius, Our good friends Steven and Analisa are going to Matagorda island to celebrate 35 years of marrige. He chose well because I dont think there is another woman on this planet capable off putting up with that man for that length of time. We are invited to came along, I have been told I am allowed to do nothing but hang out on the beach and relax, sounds great to me, I will more than likely miss a few posts at the end of the week.

Always with love,
Tony.

I was a very skinny kid, that's not to say my parents didnt feed me well. It was the Sixties, fast food as we know it didnt exist, most of the time meals were consumed at home, everyone present, around a table. I say without reservation that if you know any families that do this regurlary today they will be a happy healthy family unit. I am not just talking about the food, I am talking about the emotional value of a family spending time in one place together. I have no doubt when the family unit started to slip many things came slipping right behind it. I guess I probably wasnt paying attention, those were the days where very few kids were overwheight,at least in the circles I traveled. We all played hard, I can remember these long winded, sometimes they would go for hours, games of progressive tag. the rules were that one person was established it he or she would allow a period of time for everyone to hide.we would sometimes have 20-30 kids playing in one game. When everyone had hid the searcher would commence to find just one kid because when he did that and was able to Tag that person now there were two searching and both would look for another. The rules stated you could not tag more than one kid at a time, but I will tell you what, things got reall interesting when 5 or more searchers would see a kid and run him down, it became a game of strategy and endurance and strength. Do kids play these sort of games any more? Is it any surprise at all that the exchange of good run out side for a television and munchies would result in this next generation being our fattest ever. I have also noticed these days that if the kid is fat more than likely the parents are as well. We dont live in the sort of communities we used to live, wouldnt it be great if the parents and the kid would get a bike and take long rides together, Or more simple yet, running shoes and go on long regular walks, How would that be for strenghthening the family unit, you could always talk along the way, The family has ideed slipped and it saddens me.

With love always
Tony.

Who in the world would not rather do this instead of working? I love fishing and boating of course, Work however is my passion. It isnt just the work, it's the process, of taking a project from start to finish. There are so many variables that can occur if one isnt a decent negotiator, I love the negotiating process. I happen to know plants as well if not better than most, I know that if you can make the client understand that good soil condition, Quality plants and quality mulch are important, you are virtually assured success. Having said all of that, I executed a design yesterday and it was fabulous. Before my Cancer, I would hit the job site and was capable of out working any laborer I had highered. In line with those established perameters and I know I set the bar very high.it was not uncommon to find me on hands and knees, crawling through the beds cleaning and trimming. I could could in the past clean and plant and mulch a bed in no time at all. Yesterday everything was different, while my approach to completing the project had dramaticly changed, I think the importance of my presence had not. The clients we serviced yesterday were very involved in the Landscape and the project it'self, I had some trepidation as to the level of their emotional involvement, for the most part they were helpful ,non combative and ,the project All in all was enhanced by their their involvement. That isnt always so and I will usually do all I can to keep a client aways from the work area. I was certainly throughly spent after yesterday and slept like a Baby, I slept until 6:00 tpfay, since the surgery thats the record.

Life begins again

To say my life has been altered since late June when I was StarFlighted to the hospital, all the while on the periferal hearing " He is having a stroke." I am not so certain that a stroke wouldnt not have been preferable to that has to come to light since. And the alteration of what was a fairly quiet, somehat organized life has now been spun on it's ears and is still spinning. There was hope for about a week, while the eggheads were scanning their scans and pushing medicine through me. My Neurosurgen was almost totally convinced there was simply an infection. Even as the Naysayers, the Cancer pronouncers were gathering forces, the lightsight made a valliant effort. I rarely think of the seizure now, apparently the legion in my brain, lord knows how long it lie there with what intent mimiced a stroke very well indeed when it blast off, anouncing it intentions to one and all. I was very much wrapped up in the experience of what came to be known as a seizure had never and sincerely hope to never experience anything like it again. I think of my Father inlaw, he experienced multple sezure later on in his lifeHe was a wonder man, in fact he became a surrogate father for me at least in the short term before we said goodbye.As to my singular sezure experience, no matter how long I live if I never have another that wont be long enough. The best I can describe the entire experience and I am possitive I wont come close. I woke up because I couldnt catch my breath, everything around became distant and amorphous. As the event tightened it's grip on me I could hear my wife, obviously distressed shoughting at me and asking questions while on the telephone to 911. Somehow I thought I could walk it off so I attempted to do just that. I recall nothing in the tunnel I was sliding down into, other than this ongoing repetive rumbling sound ( my labored breathing ) Unknown to me Pammy had me in a Bear Hug the whole time to protect me from my self, all the wile trying to communicate to 911. She and I went down to the floor and the seizure began. I am told the main event while somewhat spectacular was short in duration. I slowly gathering a little awareness about me, enough for me anyway to realize that I was not gonna let the EMT's drag my ass out of my house naked. Priority number one at that point clothing, I had no ability to speak, the right side of my body barely functioned, hence the thought of stroke. No matter the priority was in there amazing, Up I got and kinda after a fashion moved from kitchen to bedroom, much to the consternation of wife and 911 operator. Had I been capable of further thought perhaps a more complete set of clothing, but n0 I had my Boxer Briefes on and I was content. I managed to get into a chair much to Pammy's reliefe and the deluge of medical personnell began in earnest. I was poked and prodded, asked numerous questions for which I had only grunts and attempts at indesipherable words. Convinced of Stroke I was to be wisked away on a helecopter, I have never ridden one and exept for a few scattered images may not as of yet. Upon arrival at the hospital, who is the very person I see? I have no idea how she talked the hospital into allowing her there but when the Gurney hit the ground Erika Jeanne had my hand tight and didnt let go. Today, I will be in the field, working, certainly not at the level I previously demanded of my self, I will howevere be working and as much as I have come to do ok with a manegerial position, hower, Today I work and............Life begins, again.

Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday was a strange day, it was as if someone had removed the top of my head and poured in all this info, telling me not for a moment what to do with it. Those memories may filter in I will allow for that, I think rather than force them I will Talk about family again. Dad instilled in us a love of outdooors and nature, I have mutiple memories of cruzing back on some loging road, having not the slightest idea where we are going. My dad would have had a field day with a GPS unit. We as chidren ended up in some the coolest camping spots, I dont know how he found them but they always and perhaps it was the age but they seemed just that more magical for his efforts. I was also a member of the Boy Scouts which simply gave me a much stronger foundation in the out doors I enjoy today. Having spent a few days with my younger brother and whats more having enjoyed the experience, I realized he is almost like my dad. I dont think Clark received the mechanical abilities I did from Dad, I am not sure he fixes things like dad could. There was no misting the relation and there were many times I would look at my brother and lsten and as Yogi Berra might say " It's Deja Vu all over again" My parents divorced as many did in those day and nany continue to divorce. Clark lived with my Mom and visited my Dad' s regularly and he seems to have worked out for the better I think of him as highly stable until I present reality and tell him who the better looking male is in the family.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Busy week

Pamela and I decideded at about 10:30 last night that we had experienced one hell of a busy week. My sister and her daughter fly home this morning, to say I love them both dearly would be a huge understatement. Time indeed rolls on ,does what it does to the exterior of people, I am an example of that no doubt. My sister, Changed by time, weathered as one would expect, when she and I sat, as we did many times and talked, I was transported to another era. There was a time in Ca when Ashley was young, Hell, we were all young. I was married for the first time around and perhaps through the Prizm of time, it appeared as tho we were were happy. Christopher and Ashley were almost more like Brother and Sister than cousins, they spent so much time together. In the very early days, before Dawn met and maried Rick I was Ashley's Male role model, I had no problem fulfilling that. My ex and I only had one child, Christopher, Of course I have never regretted his existance, However I always regretted not having a daughter in addition. When I write thesepages and I am searching the past in my mind, often I will reach out and grab a peice and use it. These last couple of postings have been different and this one certainly, it has been very much like sitting in the eye of a Maelstrom.I will speak more of this soon, as I now have to say goodbye to the lovely ladies.

Always with love,
Tony.

Family, whats not to love

I had a very busy day in store yesterday and my sister Dawn came through in f lying colors. When I had received the call telling me that the multitudes were on the way, my greatest anxiety at that point was and I didn't really know how Iwould feel, was whether I would need to entertain these people. That never happened. My brother and his family are gonna move on today. I will miss them, I see so very much of Edgar Leroy Parscal in his son Clark, that occasionlly it shakes me. Clark is a simple man, I have not seen a lot of the trappings associated with other men and their perceived needs. with Clark it is just kinda there like it or not, I am not certain he would care one way or other, he is a Correctionals officer is a federal prison in Ca and he apparently is well suited to the task. On Monday night one of the Austin downtown clubs was having an open mike and for a monday the croud was great, the music was fabulous as always. The best part was that I was hanging out with my Brother, sister and niece listening to some great Jazz. how cool is that? Its funny how we can can go years with no connection and suddenly for some reason we are now connected again. Ashley is as she asways was, the weakest route to the part 0f my heart where I would give her anything it is somewhat comfortable to know that some things never change. As it was very good they were there, it was just fine they were all there at the same time, shows ya what I know. I had one of those despicable MRI's done yesterday morning BTW. The cancer in my brain is responding incredibly well to the radiation - the doctor was pleased. The main point being that I was heavily medicated to be able to withstand the MRI and the rest of the day was very interesting because of that. My sister had to haul around a very inebriated middle aged man trying to pull directions when my main interest was sleeping. Last night we attended a birthday party. I brought family along, It was a rich, rewarding experience that I think everyone that was there enjoyed. My absolute most favorite man was the BDAY Boy, Ferrell aka wild pig, it was a great party, a fun time was had by all. Family is great.

Always, with love ,
Tony.

Family time

I spent the entire evening with my brother and his wife and children. I complained when I found they were coming along with my sister, I have missed my brother. He and I went to breakfast this morning and it's like we just saw eachother last week, we clicked perfectly, Clark is the sort thay he is just steady and dependable, he is the same as he was last time I saw him we got along fine and I wish he could stay longer. I am not capable of ascessing this on my own but I would say other than I am the best looking brother , clark as he ages and he is about to turn 40, he is closer to being like our father than me. He has a wonderful family that admires him and loves him, life doesnt get any better than that. I would almost say I am envious and I may be in a selective sort of way but then that would be silly, wouldnt it? On Saturday night, Pammy and Ryan and Erika and I went to see the new BatMan flick the " Dark Knight " I have one simple word WOW-WOW-WOW. I love movies and see a number of them at the Alamo Draft House and movie house creation here in Austin that combines a movie with alcohol and food which is pretty descent. The absolute key to Alamo's success is it is for adults, children rarely come. A couple can go to a movie and a diner with a drink or two for around $50 or so, Alamo is doing very well in the Austin area. I am going to wrapp up this short entry for today, there is very little news to be given, I do do have an MRI tomorrow the radiation doctor will use the info from the MRI to begin his Bombing camnpaign of my brain. I have just a couple of weeks of radiation and apperantly the last ten or so treatments are very intense to kill all the gremlins.My sister should be in soon and the adventure continues.

Always with love,
Tony.

Remebering a father.

Before the death of my father, I had twisted my self into a bundle of guilt carrying most all of it by myself. Rarely is guilt to be carried by only one, rarer yet is the abilty to lay the guilt exactly where belongs. I think Dad had spent a number of years fufilling his obligation, he was a good father to his four children, he supported the family well.The total story cannot be told withought including acts of betrayal and adultry, welcome to the future folks.When I remember my Father I remember those moment as only sharp points of pain, so I tend to bypass them for other things. My Sharpest and most vivid memories come way before my mother had given up and decided complaining and nagging were preferable to what ever My Dad had expressed as his need unfulfilled. If I were to crank the time machine back just a little further, I would find a family living well and happy. We took regular camping trips, it was not unusuall to have all 6 of us traipsing across the country, pulling a travel trailer. It was by this method I was able to see the Grand Canyon Carls Bad Cavernes. We would alsso visit many lake and river areas for camping, catching fish and cementing my future as a lover of outdoors. My Father was a man of understated passion, I have no idea how it was to be within his personal universe, My mother did not fare well, I have my own opinions as to why. My Father I think operated much of the time on elemental level, he could conceive, design and build anything and did on numerous occassions. We had the coolest play house as kids, it had stairs and an upper floor all built by hand. Life was good and Dad was an everpresent, strong influence in my life, directing what I would become. Post's may be short for a few days, Family is commin to Gawk at the Cancer Dude, I will do my best to dance properly and make everyone feels good about the fact they made the effort.

Always with love,
Tony

I found this image of a daily radiation treatment, they really have become routine, in spite of the visceral first impression one might receive. The staff working there are extemely patient and believe me there have been a couple of occassions where they needed every ounce of their patience to deal with me. The mask I am wearing had to be special made, I broke down into tears when they tried to make that process happen. I had to reschedule and come medicated so they could lay me on my back and mold this soft plastic to my face and then insert me into the easybake oven to harden the whole thing. A piece of cake right? My perspective is continually realtered during this process. My Father was a fascinating man, when I look back to my early childhood and allow myself to absorb the memories contained in that time period, many things come through. I was born in Ca while my father was in the Medittereannean on the USS Allagash. My mother flew me to Rhode Island when I was 18 months old to see my father for the first time. I am told I was idolized by my maternal grandmother, when other children came behind me Grandma was loving and even handed with all. I always knew though she liked me most. Dad at this point is not so easy to describe, after his navy term he attended college and received a degree in architecture. My opinion is that was where he really wanted go with his life but he didnt. He had also received a degree in mechanical engineering. He began working for Rheem manufacturing in the 60's and that was where he stayed until his death. I suppose nothing I have said thusfar is all that remarkable, however when one examines the in between parts of my Father's life he was anything but ordinary. It really had to be so since his life was so short, he died in his early fifties, apparently in my family history does indeed repeat its self. I could probably spend a number of entries speaking about my father and perhaps I will. It would behoove those that care to know a little of him because I am convinced that almost all I am is because of that man. The way I speak, the way I write, how I perceive and then explain things, all of these have been filtered and then focused through the lense given me by my Father.

Always with love,
Tony.

I Met an older lady a few days ago at the Cancer center that was being treated for the third time in her life. She without asking anything about my particular condition, offered me a quote she had been carrying with her for some time. She said within the quote she found inspiration.

" The art of being sick is not the same as the art of getting well. Some Cancer patients recover, some don't. But the ordeal of facing your mortality and feeling your frailty sharpens your perspective about life. You apreciate little things more ferociously. You grasp the mystical power of love. You feel the gravitational pull of faith. And you realize you have received a unique gift- a field of vision others don't have about the power of hope and the limits of fear; A firm set of convictions about what really matters and what does not. Tony Snow, 2005.

My Darling Pamela; A woman like no other I have ever met. She is and has been my rock, she is all at once intelligent yet connected to daily events in a practical way. She grounds me without keeping me from soaring. When I limped into Texas a damaged, discouraged man with no knowledge about how to be a good husband and a good partner. She taught me and I learned. She was patient and sometimes she would just exit the room, leaving me with my angst, telling me later " Sometimes you just have to figure it out " Those were the most painful moments.
Over time I did learn what was important in a partnership and the things that were not so important. Our relationship has flourished and Pammy as always has been there.

always with love,

Tony.

Have you ever stuck your face into the middle of a Mountain Laurel, in Bloom? The fragrance is unreal, it smells like Grape Koolaid, the powdered stuff we used to drink as kids..........Remember? I guess it's about 9 years now, I built an Arbor in front of our house, a pretty subsantial Arbor. I planted Star Jasmine on the part of it that you pass under each time you leave the house. I dont consider myself an especially smart man, and putting the Jasmine where I did was a stroke of genius. During The Spring and for about 6 weeks or so my front porch is heaven on earth. Every time someone comes or goes, the area one exits the house is an incredibly fragrant, impossible to ignore envelope into which one is folded. Austin Texas, which is the city I live closest to has within it's city limits, the largest urban population of Bats in the world. During the summer, nightly, people from all over will come to watch them come out . The population lives under the Congress street bridge. The best way to see them is on the Colorado river, the first time I had this pleasure was when Pammy hired a boat to take us there for my birthday. The Colorado river, AKA Town Lake, at that time, now LadyBird Lake in honor of the former First lady of the United States. She was almost singularly responsible for making the Colorado river, Downtown the Gem it currently is. We met up with the boat near one of the downtown hotels, he took us on the river near the underside of the bridge. I didnt tell Pammy this at that time but I was spoiled, I had been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico and had seen the Bats fly from those caves, I was convinced there was no way any thing could equal Carlsbad. I was wrong, sitting on the water, not quite knowing what I was going to see and having seen what I thought was the ultimate spectacle of this kind, I was mightly surprised. The Bats would sart leaving the bridge just before dark, they would depart in thick ribbons of black, twisting and turning and of course directing themselves up ward into the sky. I am not sure any writing could do this event justice, I will tell you that ios sparked within me an deep emotional cord and I thought was fantastic. I Love Austin Texas, I love life and plan to be around many more years in order to enjoy it.

Always with love,
Tony.