Love

Yeah, Yeah, I am gonna use the overused word of the century, I think one which most people havnt the sightest meaning. Love; My first attempt in my 20's wasnt Love. Oh I certainly held her on a pedestal, one which we both created, me by never refusing her any thing asked of me and her by wanting to be loved and not knowing what that truly means. Were I to speak only truth, my first marriage failed miserably, why? Can you ever really perform an autopsy on a failed marriage? As is my habit I took full responsibility, I worked too much and gave little attention, so on and so on. I think the truth lies closer to one person... Christopher.. My son. He will be 25 on Sept 12 08 and I havent seen him in years. This is where the true pain in my life resides. I think this part of my life more than any thing clarifies my desire to highlight truth in these pages, this part of mylife was riddled with little that resembled truth. My Ex wife was an emotionally troubled lady, whom I of course recognized as such and was convinced I could save her. I lied to my self and to her and spent over Ten years perfecting a passive aggressive personality for that some reason I thought was the only way to get what I wanted from her. There is litlle reason here to point out her lies except to say I feel sorry for a woman that believes the only method for extricating her self from a failed marriage is to implicate him in violence and use the court to perpetuate the lie. As always the deepest cut and the continuing pain in this part of my life is Christopher. Was I a good father to him? I would say the conventional analysis would be no. I would also say I trusted my partner at that time to take up slack while I worked so she wouldnt have to, I was a poor parent with my absence. I think much of his current anger toward me centers around abondonment. Whereass, my strongest emotion when i think of him is Love, and longing to see him again.

I think I flogged the past well enough for this page, it was done to bisect my life into failure and success. Certainly both halves of my life contains elements of success and failure, when I look closely at the last 10 years I see these things in overwhelming amounts hard work, encouragement, Love and Success.

Pamela; how does one describe the person that is simply the core of ones existance? Were she asked she would say the same thing and perhaps after all that is the secret. I have spent many years attempting to describe her and really it comes down to one simplistic theme, she is pure love. Her Eldest Erika has become a warmth and source of joy in my life so unexpected it often takes my breathe away. Ryan, he is amazing, he is truling navigating his life the way he wishes, I can offer no other compliment for Ryan other than to say he is living his passion, here, now, few of us are ever that fortunate.When I contemplated what to write today Love was an easy subject as I often am, I was surprised by the volume of love and the source of much of it the last Ten years. Family is a given where love is concerned, or so they say, I think they forget for awhile then need reasons to remember again, Cancer is one of those. My greatest joy and my most powerful source of tears the last several weeks have come from what pammy and I call " Our family of Friends " I will talk about these people in depth later but I cannot end this post without mentioning these people who epitomise family. These last several weeks had I been forced to give a count prior to what i consider to be one the most amazing outpoorings of love and generousity I would have been way off....June 30 2008, my 48th birthday, spent in the hospital, btw, I had the seizure that sent me there 5 days prior. I have little memory of those hazy days, filled with drugs and steroids for brain swelling, I remember balloons, flowers, and a constant stream of people wishing me happy birthday. For those of you I have not bored to tears, I say to you, you are truly twisted and I commend you. For everyone else I shall torture you no longer this day.

Always with Love,

Tony.