Busy week

Pamela and I decideded at about 10:30 last night that we had experienced one hell of a busy week. My sister and her daughter fly home this morning, to say I love them both dearly would be a huge understatement. Time indeed rolls on ,does what it does to the exterior of people, I am an example of that no doubt. My sister, Changed by time, weathered as one would expect, when she and I sat, as we did many times and talked, I was transported to another era. There was a time in Ca when Ashley was young, Hell, we were all young. I was married for the first time around and perhaps through the Prizm of time, it appeared as tho we were were happy. Christopher and Ashley were almost more like Brother and Sister than cousins, they spent so much time together. In the very early days, before Dawn met and maried Rick I was Ashley's Male role model, I had no problem fulfilling that. My ex and I only had one child, Christopher, Of course I have never regretted his existance, However I always regretted not having a daughter in addition. When I write thesepages and I am searching the past in my mind, often I will reach out and grab a peice and use it. These last couple of postings have been different and this one certainly, it has been very much like sitting in the eye of a Maelstrom.I will speak more of this soon, as I now have to say goodbye to the lovely ladies.

Always with love,
Tony.

Family, whats not to love

I had a very busy day in store yesterday and my sister Dawn came through in f lying colors. When I had received the call telling me that the multitudes were on the way, my greatest anxiety at that point was and I didn't really know how Iwould feel, was whether I would need to entertain these people. That never happened. My brother and his family are gonna move on today. I will miss them, I see so very much of Edgar Leroy Parscal in his son Clark, that occasionlly it shakes me. Clark is a simple man, I have not seen a lot of the trappings associated with other men and their perceived needs. with Clark it is just kinda there like it or not, I am not certain he would care one way or other, he is a Correctionals officer is a federal prison in Ca and he apparently is well suited to the task. On Monday night one of the Austin downtown clubs was having an open mike and for a monday the croud was great, the music was fabulous as always. The best part was that I was hanging out with my Brother, sister and niece listening to some great Jazz. how cool is that? Its funny how we can can go years with no connection and suddenly for some reason we are now connected again. Ashley is as she asways was, the weakest route to the part 0f my heart where I would give her anything it is somewhat comfortable to know that some things never change. As it was very good they were there, it was just fine they were all there at the same time, shows ya what I know. I had one of those despicable MRI's done yesterday morning BTW. The cancer in my brain is responding incredibly well to the radiation - the doctor was pleased. The main point being that I was heavily medicated to be able to withstand the MRI and the rest of the day was very interesting because of that. My sister had to haul around a very inebriated middle aged man trying to pull directions when my main interest was sleeping. Last night we attended a birthday party. I brought family along, It was a rich, rewarding experience that I think everyone that was there enjoyed. My absolute most favorite man was the BDAY Boy, Ferrell aka wild pig, it was a great party, a fun time was had by all. Family is great.

Always, with love ,
Tony.

Family time

I spent the entire evening with my brother and his wife and children. I complained when I found they were coming along with my sister, I have missed my brother. He and I went to breakfast this morning and it's like we just saw eachother last week, we clicked perfectly, Clark is the sort thay he is just steady and dependable, he is the same as he was last time I saw him we got along fine and I wish he could stay longer. I am not capable of ascessing this on my own but I would say other than I am the best looking brother , clark as he ages and he is about to turn 40, he is closer to being like our father than me. He has a wonderful family that admires him and loves him, life doesnt get any better than that. I would almost say I am envious and I may be in a selective sort of way but then that would be silly, wouldnt it? On Saturday night, Pammy and Ryan and Erika and I went to see the new BatMan flick the " Dark Knight " I have one simple word WOW-WOW-WOW. I love movies and see a number of them at the Alamo Draft House and movie house creation here in Austin that combines a movie with alcohol and food which is pretty descent. The absolute key to Alamo's success is it is for adults, children rarely come. A couple can go to a movie and a diner with a drink or two for around $50 or so, Alamo is doing very well in the Austin area. I am going to wrapp up this short entry for today, there is very little news to be given, I do do have an MRI tomorrow the radiation doctor will use the info from the MRI to begin his Bombing camnpaign of my brain. I have just a couple of weeks of radiation and apperantly the last ten or so treatments are very intense to kill all the gremlins.My sister should be in soon and the adventure continues.

Always with love,
Tony.

Remebering a father.

Before the death of my father, I had twisted my self into a bundle of guilt carrying most all of it by myself. Rarely is guilt to be carried by only one, rarer yet is the abilty to lay the guilt exactly where belongs. I think Dad had spent a number of years fufilling his obligation, he was a good father to his four children, he supported the family well.The total story cannot be told withought including acts of betrayal and adultry, welcome to the future folks.When I remember my Father I remember those moment as only sharp points of pain, so I tend to bypass them for other things. My Sharpest and most vivid memories come way before my mother had given up and decided complaining and nagging were preferable to what ever My Dad had expressed as his need unfulfilled. If I were to crank the time machine back just a little further, I would find a family living well and happy. We took regular camping trips, it was not unusuall to have all 6 of us traipsing across the country, pulling a travel trailer. It was by this method I was able to see the Grand Canyon Carls Bad Cavernes. We would alsso visit many lake and river areas for camping, catching fish and cementing my future as a lover of outdoors. My Father was a man of understated passion, I have no idea how it was to be within his personal universe, My mother did not fare well, I have my own opinions as to why. My Father I think operated much of the time on elemental level, he could conceive, design and build anything and did on numerous occassions. We had the coolest play house as kids, it had stairs and an upper floor all built by hand. Life was good and Dad was an everpresent, strong influence in my life, directing what I would become. Post's may be short for a few days, Family is commin to Gawk at the Cancer Dude, I will do my best to dance properly and make everyone feels good about the fact they made the effort.

Always with love,
Tony

I found this image of a daily radiation treatment, they really have become routine, in spite of the visceral first impression one might receive. The staff working there are extemely patient and believe me there have been a couple of occassions where they needed every ounce of their patience to deal with me. The mask I am wearing had to be special made, I broke down into tears when they tried to make that process happen. I had to reschedule and come medicated so they could lay me on my back and mold this soft plastic to my face and then insert me into the easybake oven to harden the whole thing. A piece of cake right? My perspective is continually realtered during this process. My Father was a fascinating man, when I look back to my early childhood and allow myself to absorb the memories contained in that time period, many things come through. I was born in Ca while my father was in the Medittereannean on the USS Allagash. My mother flew me to Rhode Island when I was 18 months old to see my father for the first time. I am told I was idolized by my maternal grandmother, when other children came behind me Grandma was loving and even handed with all. I always knew though she liked me most. Dad at this point is not so easy to describe, after his navy term he attended college and received a degree in architecture. My opinion is that was where he really wanted go with his life but he didnt. He had also received a degree in mechanical engineering. He began working for Rheem manufacturing in the 60's and that was where he stayed until his death. I suppose nothing I have said thusfar is all that remarkable, however when one examines the in between parts of my Father's life he was anything but ordinary. It really had to be so since his life was so short, he died in his early fifties, apparently in my family history does indeed repeat its self. I could probably spend a number of entries speaking about my father and perhaps I will. It would behoove those that care to know a little of him because I am convinced that almost all I am is because of that man. The way I speak, the way I write, how I perceive and then explain things, all of these have been filtered and then focused through the lense given me by my Father.

Always with love,
Tony.

I Met an older lady a few days ago at the Cancer center that was being treated for the third time in her life. She without asking anything about my particular condition, offered me a quote she had been carrying with her for some time. She said within the quote she found inspiration.

" The art of being sick is not the same as the art of getting well. Some Cancer patients recover, some don't. But the ordeal of facing your mortality and feeling your frailty sharpens your perspective about life. You apreciate little things more ferociously. You grasp the mystical power of love. You feel the gravitational pull of faith. And you realize you have received a unique gift- a field of vision others don't have about the power of hope and the limits of fear; A firm set of convictions about what really matters and what does not. Tony Snow, 2005.

My Darling Pamela; A woman like no other I have ever met. She is and has been my rock, she is all at once intelligent yet connected to daily events in a practical way. She grounds me without keeping me from soaring. When I limped into Texas a damaged, discouraged man with no knowledge about how to be a good husband and a good partner. She taught me and I learned. She was patient and sometimes she would just exit the room, leaving me with my angst, telling me later " Sometimes you just have to figure it out " Those were the most painful moments.
Over time I did learn what was important in a partnership and the things that were not so important. Our relationship has flourished and Pammy as always has been there.

always with love,

Tony.

Have you ever stuck your face into the middle of a Mountain Laurel, in Bloom? The fragrance is unreal, it smells like Grape Koolaid, the powdered stuff we used to drink as kids..........Remember? I guess it's about 9 years now, I built an Arbor in front of our house, a pretty subsantial Arbor. I planted Star Jasmine on the part of it that you pass under each time you leave the house. I dont consider myself an especially smart man, and putting the Jasmine where I did was a stroke of genius. During The Spring and for about 6 weeks or so my front porch is heaven on earth. Every time someone comes or goes, the area one exits the house is an incredibly fragrant, impossible to ignore envelope into which one is folded. Austin Texas, which is the city I live closest to has within it's city limits, the largest urban population of Bats in the world. During the summer, nightly, people from all over will come to watch them come out . The population lives under the Congress street bridge. The best way to see them is on the Colorado river, the first time I had this pleasure was when Pammy hired a boat to take us there for my birthday. The Colorado river, AKA Town Lake, at that time, now LadyBird Lake in honor of the former First lady of the United States. She was almost singularly responsible for making the Colorado river, Downtown the Gem it currently is. We met up with the boat near one of the downtown hotels, he took us on the river near the underside of the bridge. I didnt tell Pammy this at that time but I was spoiled, I had been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico and had seen the Bats fly from those caves, I was convinced there was no way any thing could equal Carlsbad. I was wrong, sitting on the water, not quite knowing what I was going to see and having seen what I thought was the ultimate spectacle of this kind, I was mightly surprised. The Bats would sart leaving the bridge just before dark, they would depart in thick ribbons of black, twisting and turning and of course directing themselves up ward into the sky. I am not sure any writing could do this event justice, I will tell you that ios sparked within me an deep emotional cord and I thought was fantastic. I Love Austin Texas, I love life and plan to be around many more years in order to enjoy it.

Always with love,
Tony.

The face of the beast

It has been one day since Pammy and me sat with my Oncologist and listened to her describe the beast that currently lies within me. There were no surprises, at least from my way of looking. I have sensed dismay and sadness from others, I never know quite where to put those emotions. I have Lung Cancer that spread to my brain, that was where it was found first. I have been in radiation treatment to get the Cancer in the brain. On Aug 12th I will begin Chemotherapy for the lung cancer, I have been affected little thus far by treatments, I can only logicly assume the easy times are over. I am still processing all the info and more difficult still am untangling the emotions. For now I am gonna persue treatment, I am slowly wrapping my mind around this thing and I think I will continue to do just that.I have many worries and concerns, My wife primary among them. I appear to have a finite amount of time to do my best to make sure I lessen her burden. I will strengthen my company in order to provide a legacy, I believe in all this I will also provide motivation to keep living. This is simply one more challenge, I have never shrinked from them and wont start now, I will get back in the field as much as I can to reinforce connections with clients and to show the crew what the clients need. I will expand the business and construct a partnership arrangement in order to keep Pammy financially invested in what she has worked so hard to create. Yesterday was difficult, it will take a while to assimilate everything I have to take in. I am gratefull for all those that have offered prayers and words of encouragment. I think I rambled this morning, I think I may be entitled. I am gonna leave the post this way and think some more.

Always with love,
Tony.

Working with Cancer

I kinda went off yesterday on a rant about walking and such, those are great passions for me. I have many passions, I was able entertain another last Sunday. I worked, yeah that's right, last Sunday I trimmed things around the front of the house, off the Arbor. All this was fine and well and I am sure Pammy was amused. Her amusement discontinued when I brought down the ladder. I needed to go up on the roof in order to cut back any vines that may have gone up there. I have two types of Wysteria planted on the Arbor, both are aggressive and will literally remove shingles from a house. That was fun, it was something that needed doing, it was physical and in spite of the fact that it nearly gave my wife a heart attack, I loved it. The rest of that work included, raking up debris and blowing off the patios. at my peak of effeciency I could have knocked that out in maybe an hour and sweated much. On Sunday it took me several hours, I was stopping often to rest and assuage the fears of my wife. More than anything I needed to prove to myself that I could, I will yet again, soon. Today I have an appointment with my Oncologist, I fear that on this appointment I will see the true face of the monster that has made his home within me. and worse yet, hear a list of the treatments necessary to drive him out. To this point it has all been pretty damned easy, I really don't mean to lessen the significance of my disease but other than some annoying inconveniences this hasnt really big all that big of a deal. I am certain that notion at the very least will end today. I am certain my doctor who really is a very direct and honest and sensitive Female Doctor, will lay it all out, the face of the monster shall be revealed and the Battle plans will be laid.I always knew this was coming, I am prepared.

Always written with love,
Tony.

Lets take a walk

I have always viewed my self as a person that attempted to do the right thing. I believe the right thing is not difficult most the time and ocassionally, when it is it's good to have the practice. I love sunsets, the big red dramatic kind, like we have here in Texas. When I am standing out there, seemingly in the middle of some amazingly physical happening I swear I can hear the sound of the Sun grinding down off the horizon. I love to kiss my wife, at the risk of as Erika says TMI, I will simply say affection between a committed couple should have no boundaries. I love to read, anytime any place, one of my favorite places to read is at my friend Steve's ranch, I can find a shady place and a comfortable chair and lose myself for hours, it really does not get better than that. I love to walk, when I think about this statement I should probably reach up and slap myself but, I like to walk. Why should I commit a violent act upon my self because of a silly statement? In my business life there were many, many days where I would easily walk 8-10 miles in a day, it kept me skinny and my heart is in good shape. I am going to resist discussing the obvious irony at this point. I like to walk and because hiking is a form of that we have seen some of the most beautiful parts of Texas and hiked them. When I was younger I hiked constantly in the Sierra Mountains of CA, with out a doubt some very beautiful scenery to be seen. I have tread Beaches in Northern CA that look as if you might indeed be on a canvas immortalized in oil. I have walked through Redwood forests and Awe is one of the few words that apply. I have walked through such forests with a group it never fails, everybody whispers. I had a good friend years back, we would go camping and fishing, we were walking down a forest path to a stream one day. I looked over at him because he had simply stopped. He says to me " For me this is where I find God " Anyone seeing the place would have to agree. I have swam in high altitude lakes in the Sierra's, so cold, so fresh, sensual, incredible. Having seen and done those things, I will say right here right now that mile for mile Texas has beautiful places to hike. I think my favorite is Big Bend, I like the Drama of it, over a million acres. Incredible vistas and rock formations, West Texas is a desert and amazingly water formed a big part of big bend along with the wind. Pammy and I were camping in one of Big Bend's primitive areas when a cold front came through, there are few things more dramatic than a West Texas cold front. I love to hike and Texas is a great place for it. I love life and plan to continue enjoying every bit possible for as long as possible.

Always with Love,

Tony.

Square dance

The last 16 days since I was diagnosed with secondary brain cancer, primary source yet to be determined has been interesting to say the least. I am still sorting a lot of it out and I am trying to be patient with others that understandably are sorting it out as well. I moved from CA in 1998 to Texas , I believe it was the best move I have ever made. All my immediate family still lives in CA, I have had regular visits with my Mom but really hadnt seen the rest of the family since last Pammy and I had gone there. When my Mom found out I was having surgery she dropped everything and came to Texas for two weeks. A noble gesture, family is important, I am glad she came. Mom was totally unprepared and overwhelmed by whatever it was she thought she was going to do. Cancer is overwhelming, I concede this fact. I can imagine that learning your eldest son is now stricken is devastating. My Mother's mistake was to try a jump into the chaos that was my post surgery. The massive amounts of steroids given me before and after surgery made me less than a social creature. My Mother's first reaction to sitting with me in ICU was " He doesnt want me here" Damn straight, I didnt want to be there nor did I want anyone there with me. On July 4th when I received my diagnosis my first question " Will you take this damn Catheter out now and let me go home? " I truly hope my Mother got what she needed while she was here, it's often hard to know with her. Next comes my Sister and Neice on Monday and My Brother and his tribe on the 27th. You would think I had a disease of some sort. My Family not only decided to come, they decided they would come immediately. Having learned all this Pammy and I went to a squaredance last night. We have friends that own a large peice of property and yearly for the last 29 years have a square dance. Talk about a way to cast off a lot of the junk and spend some time with something different, this was the ticket. There is something about the anonimity of hanging out with the great unwashed in a massive display of humanity that is the quicksand farms square dance. 500 people come from all over, great bluegrass music is played, people smile, they eat, they laugh and they dance. It was exactly what we needed. Thank you Jim and Alex for providing what we most needed at this time in our busy post Cancer diagnosed life.

Always with love,
Tony.

Family of Friends

Yesterday, I was feelingout of sorts, I think more from an emotional source than a physical one. I found myself yesterday wanting to get back to work and knowing I couldnt, I most of all missed my son. Today I wanted to lighten up, it is the weekend and I actually had a very good treatment week, I feel very well. Since the surgery and subsequent diagnosis, I have seen a group of people step up and do things that just are above and beyond. I mentioned this to one Friend and he smply said "You need us now, we are here " The photo is of a Birthday party thrown for me on 6-30-07, one year before my most recent party which was thrown in a hospital room. I find it most interesting when those two parties are Juxtaposed against eachother. Both parties were arranged by friends, obviously the hospital party was more difficult, I was amped on steroids, tied to an IV and not real social. As they do most times they pull it off, though the memory is fuzzy I was told the party was good and I think I enjoyed myself. On Thursday morning Shannon came into town, she is the daughter of my Good friends Steven and Analissa. Pammy went to highschool with Analissa, lost touch then reconnected a few years back. these two provide our retreat from insanity, when life gets overwhelming, we go to south Texas and hang out on their cattle ranch, instant relief and of course lots of love and hugs. Shannon lives on the ranch as well, she has a husband and three beautiful girls. The Irony of this is while the ranch is my retreat, Pammy and I going there have become a regular retreat for Shannon, I forgot to mention, she is the queen of all fisherpersons. In that we are Kindered spirits, so every chance possible Pammy and I go to the ranch, visit with our friends and go fishing with Shannon, it doesnt get any better. When I allow my mind to just kinda swirl around this particular subject I think it's funny because it invariably will focus on when I moved here 10 years ago. Pammy had put together a party to introduce me to friends, I arrived and here came this ebulent, Charismatic man with his arms wide grabbing me in a hug. he didnt know me, I had never met him, he is the wildpig, he is ferrell, we adore him. After I met all the friends at this impromptu party for me my single question was " Honey do we have any straight friends? " That was ten years ago and the family has evolved, a few have spun off, however, more over the years have come into our gravity and stayed. They are the Family of friends and they are wonderful.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Christopher

Today is no different than hundreds of other such days, 2,912 to be precise. Those are the number of days since I last saw my son. I spoke to a friend earlier about the Dichotomy that has become my life. I feel well even as my body contains Cancer. I cannot drive because of having a seizure , I have a business to run. Dichotomy. The most painful Dichotomy in my life has been the one where to save my sanity I have pretended there is no whole torn in my heart. Father is an important word to me and I can only say I have failed. I will say tho that If he were to call I would open my my mind and my heart, Now.

Always with love,
Tony.

Can you remember the enthusiasm of a young child? The want and desire to explode forward so great sometimes all you can do is grab the back of the suspenders and apply a parental brake. In todays political climate a lot of talk is made of equality, In the work force, in lifestyle and overall economic equality. Certainly the thought of everyone plugging along happily in their job, making a fair wage..........Wait, who decides what is fair? Will the guy sweeping the floor be happy with $10 an hour when the boss who writes the check makes maybe $250k each year? The truth is Capitalism is inherantly unequal. The truth also is that if a man or woman, Black, Brown, Green works hard, uses an intelligent plan and really applies himself he can be as that child and explode forward. This time no parent present to apply brakes. For what it matters I see financial security and success coming to a person in one of these ways. Education, this starts back with the parent as well, Homeschool or Private school will give your kid the largest advantage. College with a degree that applies in the workforce, manage your career well, your finances well and you will be wealthy. Does there seem to be some variable there? Some room for mistake, for failure? You Betcha, therein lies a potential for capitalistic inequality. The second way a person, any person can acheive financial success is just through a normal job, that guy sweeping the floors, if he so chooses can be wealthy. The common thread runnin here is Enthusiam, 40 hrs a week is not enough, you need to show you are willing to be the first one on the job and the last one home at night. You need to be miserly with your money and start investing early and continue. A person in their 20's can acheive financial independence through investment by depositing less than $100 per month. When you get in your 30's and 40's it takes considerably more. That Broom pusher if he properly aplies himself can make good as well. The third and to my way of think the route filled with the most potential and pitfall; Small business owner. Fire in the belly is required, an ability to perform a service is required, everything else is just plain hard work and long hours. This area is where most our wealthy men and women emerge. These people do not believe they are less equal than everyone else, they do not need a politician to level the field, they hit the field running and take care of that themselves. In an election year talk of Finacial equality all sounds good, it seldom plays out well.

JULY 18, 1985, 7:00 AM CDT RYAN ALEXANDER HAGLER WAS BORN AND THE WORLD HAS BEEN AND WILL BE IN THE FUTURE A MUCH BETTER PLACE FOR HIS PRESENCE. I love you Ryan, I am your biggest cheerleader and believer in your success.

Love always, Tony.

Responsibility

Surprisingly, for a time in ones life where one might think regrets would abound, I have few. These two pretty ladies are one and admittedly a selfish one. Selfish my regret is that I couldnt have enjoyed and participated in Erika's childhood and that I hadnt known Pammy earlier in my life. Logic tells me the Erika I know and adore today would not be what she is had anything changed early on. Accordingly, I must extend Kudos to her Father Randy and thank him for a wonderful person he helped create. All musings aside, I do believe responsiblity is a forgotten practice . I believe in an effort to heighten status, improve lifestyle, a want of material items we have forgotten what is most important, Our Children. I think it is reasonable that a Father be more than simply a spermdonor, A Father is an essential part of what a young lady sees when she looks at her first boyfriend and attempts to decide whether he will become a good father for her children. A Father also teaches his sons how to respect women and be good fathers on their own. Within my lifetime Mothers decided there are more worthy persuits than raising children, of course that didnt mean that they would stop having them simply that they would work a few more hours, buy a larger house and farm those kids off to a daycare to be raised. A reasonable person might ask; If Fathers no longer take responsibility for their children and Mothers have abdicated their true obligation, nuturing, why then would anybody be surprised if kids are making all the wrong choices? Early pregnancy, Drugs, risky sexual behavior, Ultimately who is the arbiter of all things Family? The Government? Some think so. Obviously I do not , I would simply throw out a word forgotten because of it's importance ......Responsibility.

As always with Love,
Tony.

Who am I?

My entire life has rightly or wrongly been defined by first who's son I was and then by my own work and accomplishments. Good enough, I get all that and save a few minor bickering points have little problem with the concept. That brings us to the present day, who am I? Before June 12 I was a very active company owner, worked long hours and in my opinion was successful. After I fell off a ladder on June 12 2008 my entire life and career has changed, not only has my insurance company decided not to pay my claim for the ladder fall, which will cost me $5,000 out of my own pocket, they said I was working for someone else and it was a workmans comp issue, Love those insurance companies. Donations will be accepted at...................

I ask again, Who am I ? certain parts of that are easy, 48 yr old male, husband,Father, step Father, business owner. Now What? Semi retired? Cancer patient? I dont for obvious reasons like either of those choices, I dont however quite know what choices I have. I am told by my beautiful and incredibly supportive wife that I am still very valuable to the business. She did forget to tell me in what way i was valuable, she did remind me that I was now an administrator not a field operator. Administrator? What the hell is that? The main reason I was in the field working with the guys was because I liked it, Dammit, I liked it, the heat, the sweat, the dirt, I liked it. I did have a portion of my brain removed, I have no idea how valuable that portion was you would think every part of the brain is important. There are mitigating circumstances here, the part removed did have Cancer, so good riddance, right? I have acknowledged surging forth this day forward with less brain matter than I previously had. Now I am an administrator with some brain matter revoved. life gets complicated does it not?

Love

Yeah, Yeah, I am gonna use the overused word of the century, I think one which most people havnt the sightest meaning. Love; My first attempt in my 20's wasnt Love. Oh I certainly held her on a pedestal, one which we both created, me by never refusing her any thing asked of me and her by wanting to be loved and not knowing what that truly means. Were I to speak only truth, my first marriage failed miserably, why? Can you ever really perform an autopsy on a failed marriage? As is my habit I took full responsibility, I worked too much and gave little attention, so on and so on. I think the truth lies closer to one person... Christopher.. My son. He will be 25 on Sept 12 08 and I havent seen him in years. This is where the true pain in my life resides. I think this part of my life more than any thing clarifies my desire to highlight truth in these pages, this part of mylife was riddled with little that resembled truth. My Ex wife was an emotionally troubled lady, whom I of course recognized as such and was convinced I could save her. I lied to my self and to her and spent over Ten years perfecting a passive aggressive personality for that some reason I thought was the only way to get what I wanted from her. There is litlle reason here to point out her lies except to say I feel sorry for a woman that believes the only method for extricating her self from a failed marriage is to implicate him in violence and use the court to perpetuate the lie. As always the deepest cut and the continuing pain in this part of my life is Christopher. Was I a good father to him? I would say the conventional analysis would be no. I would also say I trusted my partner at that time to take up slack while I worked so she wouldnt have to, I was a poor parent with my absence. I think much of his current anger toward me centers around abondonment. Whereass, my strongest emotion when i think of him is Love, and longing to see him again.

I think I flogged the past well enough for this page, it was done to bisect my life into failure and success. Certainly both halves of my life contains elements of success and failure, when I look closely at the last 10 years I see these things in overwhelming amounts hard work, encouragement, Love and Success.

Pamela; how does one describe the person that is simply the core of ones existance? Were she asked she would say the same thing and perhaps after all that is the secret. I have spent many years attempting to describe her and really it comes down to one simplistic theme, she is pure love. Her Eldest Erika has become a warmth and source of joy in my life so unexpected it often takes my breathe away. Ryan, he is amazing, he is truling navigating his life the way he wishes, I can offer no other compliment for Ryan other than to say he is living his passion, here, now, few of us are ever that fortunate.When I contemplated what to write today Love was an easy subject as I often am, I was surprised by the volume of love and the source of much of it the last Ten years. Family is a given where love is concerned, or so they say, I think they forget for awhile then need reasons to remember again, Cancer is one of those. My greatest joy and my most powerful source of tears the last several weeks have come from what pammy and I call " Our family of Friends " I will talk about these people in depth later but I cannot end this post without mentioning these people who epitomise family. These last several weeks had I been forced to give a count prior to what i consider to be one the most amazing outpoorings of love and generousity I would have been way off....June 30 2008, my 48th birthday, spent in the hospital, btw, I had the seizure that sent me there 5 days prior. I have little memory of those hazy days, filled with drugs and steroids for brain swelling, I remember balloons, flowers, and a constant stream of people wishing me happy birthday. For those of you I have not bored to tears, I say to you, you are truly twisted and I commend you. For everyone else I shall torture you no longer this day.

Always with Love,

Tony.

second scoop and the fun begins

I didnt know untill a minor medical issue 10 someodd years ago that I was claustrophic. the minor medical issue required me to take a MRI of my head, there is something counterintuitive to shoving your body in narrow tube with a mask on your face and no room to move assuming you could anyhow. That MRI went poorly until they introduced to me sedatioin during MRI, the prefered method of us chickens everywhere. As I have found in my very short relationship with Cancer it offers ample opportunity for claustrophobic experience. and today was no different, radiation treatment #1 was administered today, a mere 30 or so togo. I had trepidation where this treatment was concerned as I have had with much the last couple of weeks. I made it through with few mental scars, I didnt apreciate a white mask being placed over my head with the open end at the back thats because thats where they attache it to the table. can you say clautrophobia? fortunately it was not as bad as my rather fertile imagination saw it.

first scoop

I recently declared to all that cared listen " I am going to write a blog" I heard no groans emminating from the collective so I guess that's a good start. Truth ought to be a major part of this exploit and I am a strong believer in truth. In the interest of aforementioned truth, this Blog and probably most everything I do from here to the end of my life is at the least motivated by one enescapable fact I am now living with Cancer. This is where the muddled part comes in, this revelation of Cancer in my life is so new, as of the 4th of July , independence day? Wow, see why I suggest muddled? As best I can I intend to represent my thoughts, my life past present and future. should you care to read any of this, you will not escape political rants, difinitive opinions, no wishywashyness here. I have no idea where any of this will go, come along, it will surely end as all human stories end, the journey is the most interesting part any how.