The face of the beast

It has been one day since Pammy and me sat with my Oncologist and listened to her describe the beast that currently lies within me. There were no surprises, at least from my way of looking. I have sensed dismay and sadness from others, I never know quite where to put those emotions. I have Lung Cancer that spread to my brain, that was where it was found first. I have been in radiation treatment to get the Cancer in the brain. On Aug 12th I will begin Chemotherapy for the lung cancer, I have been affected little thus far by treatments, I can only logicly assume the easy times are over. I am still processing all the info and more difficult still am untangling the emotions. For now I am gonna persue treatment, I am slowly wrapping my mind around this thing and I think I will continue to do just that.I have many worries and concerns, My wife primary among them. I appear to have a finite amount of time to do my best to make sure I lessen her burden. I will strengthen my company in order to provide a legacy, I believe in all this I will also provide motivation to keep living. This is simply one more challenge, I have never shrinked from them and wont start now, I will get back in the field as much as I can to reinforce connections with clients and to show the crew what the clients need. I will expand the business and construct a partnership arrangement in order to keep Pammy financially invested in what she has worked so hard to create. Yesterday was difficult, it will take a while to assimilate everything I have to take in. I am gratefull for all those that have offered prayers and words of encouragment. I think I rambled this morning, I think I may be entitled. I am gonna leave the post this way and think some more.

Always with love,
Tony.

Working with Cancer

I kinda went off yesterday on a rant about walking and such, those are great passions for me. I have many passions, I was able entertain another last Sunday. I worked, yeah that's right, last Sunday I trimmed things around the front of the house, off the Arbor. All this was fine and well and I am sure Pammy was amused. Her amusement discontinued when I brought down the ladder. I needed to go up on the roof in order to cut back any vines that may have gone up there. I have two types of Wysteria planted on the Arbor, both are aggressive and will literally remove shingles from a house. That was fun, it was something that needed doing, it was physical and in spite of the fact that it nearly gave my wife a heart attack, I loved it. The rest of that work included, raking up debris and blowing off the patios. at my peak of effeciency I could have knocked that out in maybe an hour and sweated much. On Sunday it took me several hours, I was stopping often to rest and assuage the fears of my wife. More than anything I needed to prove to myself that I could, I will yet again, soon. Today I have an appointment with my Oncologist, I fear that on this appointment I will see the true face of the monster that has made his home within me. and worse yet, hear a list of the treatments necessary to drive him out. To this point it has all been pretty damned easy, I really don't mean to lessen the significance of my disease but other than some annoying inconveniences this hasnt really big all that big of a deal. I am certain that notion at the very least will end today. I am certain my doctor who really is a very direct and honest and sensitive Female Doctor, will lay it all out, the face of the monster shall be revealed and the Battle plans will be laid.I always knew this was coming, I am prepared.

Always written with love,
Tony.

Lets take a walk

I have always viewed my self as a person that attempted to do the right thing. I believe the right thing is not difficult most the time and ocassionally, when it is it's good to have the practice. I love sunsets, the big red dramatic kind, like we have here in Texas. When I am standing out there, seemingly in the middle of some amazingly physical happening I swear I can hear the sound of the Sun grinding down off the horizon. I love to kiss my wife, at the risk of as Erika says TMI, I will simply say affection between a committed couple should have no boundaries. I love to read, anytime any place, one of my favorite places to read is at my friend Steve's ranch, I can find a shady place and a comfortable chair and lose myself for hours, it really does not get better than that. I love to walk, when I think about this statement I should probably reach up and slap myself but, I like to walk. Why should I commit a violent act upon my self because of a silly statement? In my business life there were many, many days where I would easily walk 8-10 miles in a day, it kept me skinny and my heart is in good shape. I am going to resist discussing the obvious irony at this point. I like to walk and because hiking is a form of that we have seen some of the most beautiful parts of Texas and hiked them. When I was younger I hiked constantly in the Sierra Mountains of CA, with out a doubt some very beautiful scenery to be seen. I have tread Beaches in Northern CA that look as if you might indeed be on a canvas immortalized in oil. I have walked through Redwood forests and Awe is one of the few words that apply. I have walked through such forests with a group it never fails, everybody whispers. I had a good friend years back, we would go camping and fishing, we were walking down a forest path to a stream one day. I looked over at him because he had simply stopped. He says to me " For me this is where I find God " Anyone seeing the place would have to agree. I have swam in high altitude lakes in the Sierra's, so cold, so fresh, sensual, incredible. Having seen and done those things, I will say right here right now that mile for mile Texas has beautiful places to hike. I think my favorite is Big Bend, I like the Drama of it, over a million acres. Incredible vistas and rock formations, West Texas is a desert and amazingly water formed a big part of big bend along with the wind. Pammy and I were camping in one of Big Bend's primitive areas when a cold front came through, there are few things more dramatic than a West Texas cold front. I love to hike and Texas is a great place for it. I love life and plan to continue enjoying every bit possible for as long as possible.

Always with Love,

Tony.

Square dance

The last 16 days since I was diagnosed with secondary brain cancer, primary source yet to be determined has been interesting to say the least. I am still sorting a lot of it out and I am trying to be patient with others that understandably are sorting it out as well. I moved from CA in 1998 to Texas , I believe it was the best move I have ever made. All my immediate family still lives in CA, I have had regular visits with my Mom but really hadnt seen the rest of the family since last Pammy and I had gone there. When my Mom found out I was having surgery she dropped everything and came to Texas for two weeks. A noble gesture, family is important, I am glad she came. Mom was totally unprepared and overwhelmed by whatever it was she thought she was going to do. Cancer is overwhelming, I concede this fact. I can imagine that learning your eldest son is now stricken is devastating. My Mother's mistake was to try a jump into the chaos that was my post surgery. The massive amounts of steroids given me before and after surgery made me less than a social creature. My Mother's first reaction to sitting with me in ICU was " He doesnt want me here" Damn straight, I didnt want to be there nor did I want anyone there with me. On July 4th when I received my diagnosis my first question " Will you take this damn Catheter out now and let me go home? " I truly hope my Mother got what she needed while she was here, it's often hard to know with her. Next comes my Sister and Neice on Monday and My Brother and his tribe on the 27th. You would think I had a disease of some sort. My Family not only decided to come, they decided they would come immediately. Having learned all this Pammy and I went to a squaredance last night. We have friends that own a large peice of property and yearly for the last 29 years have a square dance. Talk about a way to cast off a lot of the junk and spend some time with something different, this was the ticket. There is something about the anonimity of hanging out with the great unwashed in a massive display of humanity that is the quicksand farms square dance. 500 people come from all over, great bluegrass music is played, people smile, they eat, they laugh and they dance. It was exactly what we needed. Thank you Jim and Alex for providing what we most needed at this time in our busy post Cancer diagnosed life.

Always with love,
Tony.

Family of Friends

Yesterday, I was feelingout of sorts, I think more from an emotional source than a physical one. I found myself yesterday wanting to get back to work and knowing I couldnt, I most of all missed my son. Today I wanted to lighten up, it is the weekend and I actually had a very good treatment week, I feel very well. Since the surgery and subsequent diagnosis, I have seen a group of people step up and do things that just are above and beyond. I mentioned this to one Friend and he smply said "You need us now, we are here " The photo is of a Birthday party thrown for me on 6-30-07, one year before my most recent party which was thrown in a hospital room. I find it most interesting when those two parties are Juxtaposed against eachother. Both parties were arranged by friends, obviously the hospital party was more difficult, I was amped on steroids, tied to an IV and not real social. As they do most times they pull it off, though the memory is fuzzy I was told the party was good and I think I enjoyed myself. On Thursday morning Shannon came into town, she is the daughter of my Good friends Steven and Analissa. Pammy went to highschool with Analissa, lost touch then reconnected a few years back. these two provide our retreat from insanity, when life gets overwhelming, we go to south Texas and hang out on their cattle ranch, instant relief and of course lots of love and hugs. Shannon lives on the ranch as well, she has a husband and three beautiful girls. The Irony of this is while the ranch is my retreat, Pammy and I going there have become a regular retreat for Shannon, I forgot to mention, she is the queen of all fisherpersons. In that we are Kindered spirits, so every chance possible Pammy and I go to the ranch, visit with our friends and go fishing with Shannon, it doesnt get any better. When I allow my mind to just kinda swirl around this particular subject I think it's funny because it invariably will focus on when I moved here 10 years ago. Pammy had put together a party to introduce me to friends, I arrived and here came this ebulent, Charismatic man with his arms wide grabbing me in a hug. he didnt know me, I had never met him, he is the wildpig, he is ferrell, we adore him. After I met all the friends at this impromptu party for me my single question was " Honey do we have any straight friends? " That was ten years ago and the family has evolved, a few have spun off, however, more over the years have come into our gravity and stayed. They are the Family of friends and they are wonderful.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Christopher

Today is no different than hundreds of other such days, 2,912 to be precise. Those are the number of days since I last saw my son. I spoke to a friend earlier about the Dichotomy that has become my life. I feel well even as my body contains Cancer. I cannot drive because of having a seizure , I have a business to run. Dichotomy. The most painful Dichotomy in my life has been the one where to save my sanity I have pretended there is no whole torn in my heart. Father is an important word to me and I can only say I have failed. I will say tho that If he were to call I would open my my mind and my heart, Now.

Always with love,
Tony.

Can you remember the enthusiasm of a young child? The want and desire to explode forward so great sometimes all you can do is grab the back of the suspenders and apply a parental brake. In todays political climate a lot of talk is made of equality, In the work force, in lifestyle and overall economic equality. Certainly the thought of everyone plugging along happily in their job, making a fair wage..........Wait, who decides what is fair? Will the guy sweeping the floor be happy with $10 an hour when the boss who writes the check makes maybe $250k each year? The truth is Capitalism is inherantly unequal. The truth also is that if a man or woman, Black, Brown, Green works hard, uses an intelligent plan and really applies himself he can be as that child and explode forward. This time no parent present to apply brakes. For what it matters I see financial security and success coming to a person in one of these ways. Education, this starts back with the parent as well, Homeschool or Private school will give your kid the largest advantage. College with a degree that applies in the workforce, manage your career well, your finances well and you will be wealthy. Does there seem to be some variable there? Some room for mistake, for failure? You Betcha, therein lies a potential for capitalistic inequality. The second way a person, any person can acheive financial success is just through a normal job, that guy sweeping the floors, if he so chooses can be wealthy. The common thread runnin here is Enthusiam, 40 hrs a week is not enough, you need to show you are willing to be the first one on the job and the last one home at night. You need to be miserly with your money and start investing early and continue. A person in their 20's can acheive financial independence through investment by depositing less than $100 per month. When you get in your 30's and 40's it takes considerably more. That Broom pusher if he properly aplies himself can make good as well. The third and to my way of think the route filled with the most potential and pitfall; Small business owner. Fire in the belly is required, an ability to perform a service is required, everything else is just plain hard work and long hours. This area is where most our wealthy men and women emerge. These people do not believe they are less equal than everyone else, they do not need a politician to level the field, they hit the field running and take care of that themselves. In an election year talk of Finacial equality all sounds good, it seldom plays out well.

JULY 18, 1985, 7:00 AM CDT RYAN ALEXANDER HAGLER WAS BORN AND THE WORLD HAS BEEN AND WILL BE IN THE FUTURE A MUCH BETTER PLACE FOR HIS PRESENCE. I love you Ryan, I am your biggest cheerleader and believer in your success.

Love always, Tony.