I have always loved a good irony, they always seem just a little bittersweet when you are smack dab in the middle of them. As I have recounted, my Mom came out right after my surgery, that now seems a lifetime ago. My mother has battled type 2 diabetes for years, never seeming to be able to get a handle on her levels. She stayed here at the house for two weeks, now whether we had any thing to do with it or not I do not know. I do know we only had certain things to eat here, we didnt go out to eat at all. When my mother left to go home her sugar levels had dropped dramatically, she was constantly showing levels above 300 and sometimes 400 before she came to stay. When she left her morning levels were in the low 100's as they should be and she was facing the unforseeable, her Dr might have to adjust her insulin levels. I hear from my mother regularly now and she tells me of how low her sugar is as well as how much weight she has lost. Sorry about the longwinded aproach, here comes the Irony. A week ago or so I began experiencing what my neuro guy called focal seizures, he and the Oncolologist cranked up the steroids and seizure meds. Those have stopped, I was about to have some Chemo last Tues and they checked blood levels. They put a hold on the Chemo because of low platletts and my blood sugar was above 400. I am now a temporary diabetic. I knew from the hospital that blood sugar was connected steroids because the nurse would test often when I was taking the steroids. I am now testing myself, forced to consider what I eat and and how much, My Primary Doc has given me a Diabetic pill to lower levels. I love a good Irony and here I am in the middle of one, Bittersweet as it may be.
Always with love,
Tony.

here I am in a familiar position before the crack of dawn, wide awake, writing thoughts down. Yesterday I was able to replace my lenses in my glasses and wow, I can see nearly normal again, the Ophthomologist said nearly 20/20 and he may be right. I think this a big one, it was difficult to navigate with my mid range vision all out whack. I do not watch very much television,I prefer to get my news from the internet, the day to day stuff important here from the radio and the international stuff from the News Hour on PBS. However, for some reason I had a regular broadcast news program on the other day and a segment was focusing on infant mortaliity in the US and we have the highest in the world. Does that even compute? It sure didnt to me. We are the wealthiest, yet we lose more babies under a year old than any other country? This ought to outrage every single soul alive. The bulk of these children aparently are lost to premature birth and this happens because the mothers are very young and many receive no prenatle care. The libertarian part of me wonders if we might not be sacrificing home for over there, of course things are a lot more complicated than that and I am certainly not qualified to ascess the state of the union. I am a huge proponent of the Fairtax ( Fairtax.org ) and obviously spending in this country has gone way out of control, the deficit has not been checked. Thats the end of my political commentary for today.
Always with love,
Tony.

Kaleidescope

What is normal? I realized this morning sitting here contemplating what to write that since July 4th I have been searching for normalcy. I also realize the terms of that word have shifted like a kaleidoscope, never staying the same long enough for me define the term. I have certainly tried and at times I thought I could grab on, slippery as it was. As humans we are obsessed with Quantifying and measuring things, we just cannot help ourselves. One of the most troubling questions I have encountered on this journey is also the simplest. How are you feeling? It has been asked countless times by family and friends, understandbly so, they are concerned and wish to know if I am making progress. This may all come back to the measurement thing, when asked this question I would invariably answer " Feeling ok" and then we would move on to other things. After many such answers I came to realize I was basing my answer on what I thought the person asking the question wanted to hear. Years ago, while sitting in a restaurant with my father he commented on the busy waitress and how when she greeted you , your answer could really be anything and she would smile and respond has she had thousands of time before. I experienced a lot of that while working in the salon in Ca and would see countless clients every month, I always remember what my father said and rather than ask the standard " how are you doing" I would make sure I knew their name, make it personal and the paradigm seemed ro shift a bit, Kinda Zen huh? Why in the heck have I wandered in this direction I am not sure. If those that read this have trouble deciphering the stuff I will not be surprised. It all comes down to this the ever shifting Kaleidescope that is my life, my being, my now, simply is. I have not quite figured out what to do with whatever form I discover at any given time, That I am still working on as I peer through the Kaleidescope.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I awoke this morning with the intention of adressing an email written to me by Shannon and adressing my brother Clark, he often writes of me and to me on his own Blog. My brother first, he calls my cancer the elephant in the room that he attempts to ignore. if he has the elephant in the room that is my cancer then he most certainly has the baby version. The jumbo version resides at my home and most often climbs in my lap, not allowing any ingorance of it's presence. I am enjoying very much Clark's heightened envolvement in my life he and I have planned things down the road and I look forward to all of it. Clark says he started his Blog because of my cancer and has increased his involvement with me also because of my cancer, whatever the case I say keep it up. he also claims he is the better looking brother, that is subjective but intelligence is not and I will claim to be the more intelligent brother. Intentions aside this morning I received a call from the office of my primary Doc and he told me to come in immediately, he is attempting to gain control of my surging blood sugar. My friend Jim was kind enough to take me up so maybe one little fire is about to be put out. Back to Shannon, whom I have refered to as our Love child, she didnt understand how a certain med could affect my blood sugar. I dont understand how it does either but this particular steroid does and it is also very effective on the swelling. So I need to have it and just deal with the sugar levels. She also made a remark about how I missed grape juice, I wasnt kidding it is a major bummer that I cannot consume Grape juice. I think she believes me because when she was here awhile back I hooked her on it.......SIGH. Shannon, I adore you and when I finish this round of Chemo and go on a break, we shall party.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Tangled

I really do not know what I expected on July 4th when I was diagnosed, I kinda put my head down and did what I always do trudged forth thinking I could handle what came. For the most part I have done just that, the little things have piled up and have tangled me. I dont want to get lost in all the medical stuff but it's the little medical stuff that has snared me in a web that I currently need to pull myself out of. I thought I would go straight thru Chemo with no problems, the first treatment created a reaction and the second fools with my platlets. I was having " Focal seizures " down my right arm and the Doc increased my steroids. Now my blood sugar level has gone out of sight. I really feel kinda ok but I dont have enough energy to work and the guys really dont need me. I do feel tangled and with my best effort I will attempt to work at realeasing myself. My biggest regret right now is with the blood sugar thing going on I cant drink Grape juice which I truly love and is full of natural sugar. Thats my motivation get the sugar thing solved so I can have Grape juice again.Thats the update for now, I am tangled in the web that is Cancer my current task seems to untangle as best I can, at least that is clear if nothing else.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I am constantly rearranging this current life I have been given, the one thats entangled with the disease called cancer. I was given advice by scores of people, I listened politely some of it was highly inspirational and valuable, some of it was plain unusable. what has become logical to me is to write a list and pick the items off one at a time untill the list is complete. Pammy was asking if I get lonely being alone all day and the truth is I really dont and find peace and solitude. the hardest part is watching the scene fill in and realizing what I can do and cannot, therefore my disabilities lie before me. Over the weekend a weird hand spasm on my right side came to light, it began in earnest on sunday and continues thru today, the Neurologist calls it Focal seizure activity. His answer is to pile Meds on top of current meds, one more thing that keeps me from going out there and doing something instead of doing things inside the house. I really want to get out side and do some work, obviously I have some other issues to resolve first, I am gonna end this here and now today.
Alaways with love,
Tony.

I have not written since Friday, I had an early client meeting on Sat and errands to run. We then had guests coming for dinner,a thunderstorm came thru on Sat afternoon and took our internenet out untill monday afternoon. I have not had a chance to get back on untill now. I really do not have any particular inspiration to write and my right hand will just break out into spasms at any moment which makes it difficult do do anything. I did have a Chemo Appt the clinic put it on hold because my bood platlets were too low, the good news is I dont have another for two weeks. My tip for this week is do not try to grill Ribeyes in a thunder storm, alternately, the pan fried version was overwhelmingly applauded. The bright side is the Doc's have doubled my steroid and anti seizure meds, I may be once again writing at 3am.
Always with love,
Tony.