Busy week

Pamela and I decideded at about 10:30 last night that we had experienced one hell of a busy week. My sister and her daughter fly home this morning, to say I love them both dearly would be a huge understatement. Time indeed rolls on ,does what it does to the exterior of people, I am an example of that no doubt. My sister, Changed by time, weathered as one would expect, when she and I sat, as we did many times and talked, I was transported to another era. There was a time in Ca when Ashley was young, Hell, we were all young. I was married for the first time around and perhaps through the Prizm of time, it appeared as tho we were were happy. Christopher and Ashley were almost more like Brother and Sister than cousins, they spent so much time together. In the very early days, before Dawn met and maried Rick I was Ashley's Male role model, I had no problem fulfilling that. My ex and I only had one child, Christopher, Of course I have never regretted his existance, However I always regretted not having a daughter in addition. When I write thesepages and I am searching the past in my mind, often I will reach out and grab a peice and use it. These last couple of postings have been different and this one certainly, it has been very much like sitting in the eye of a Maelstrom.I will speak more of this soon, as I now have to say goodbye to the lovely ladies.

Always with love,
Tony.

Family, whats not to love

I had a very busy day in store yesterday and my sister Dawn came through in f lying colors. When I had received the call telling me that the multitudes were on the way, my greatest anxiety at that point was and I didn't really know how Iwould feel, was whether I would need to entertain these people. That never happened. My brother and his family are gonna move on today. I will miss them, I see so very much of Edgar Leroy Parscal in his son Clark, that occasionlly it shakes me. Clark is a simple man, I have not seen a lot of the trappings associated with other men and their perceived needs. with Clark it is just kinda there like it or not, I am not certain he would care one way or other, he is a Correctionals officer is a federal prison in Ca and he apparently is well suited to the task. On Monday night one of the Austin downtown clubs was having an open mike and for a monday the croud was great, the music was fabulous as always. The best part was that I was hanging out with my Brother, sister and niece listening to some great Jazz. how cool is that? Its funny how we can can go years with no connection and suddenly for some reason we are now connected again. Ashley is as she asways was, the weakest route to the part 0f my heart where I would give her anything it is somewhat comfortable to know that some things never change. As it was very good they were there, it was just fine they were all there at the same time, shows ya what I know. I had one of those despicable MRI's done yesterday morning BTW. The cancer in my brain is responding incredibly well to the radiation - the doctor was pleased. The main point being that I was heavily medicated to be able to withstand the MRI and the rest of the day was very interesting because of that. My sister had to haul around a very inebriated middle aged man trying to pull directions when my main interest was sleeping. Last night we attended a birthday party. I brought family along, It was a rich, rewarding experience that I think everyone that was there enjoyed. My absolute most favorite man was the BDAY Boy, Ferrell aka wild pig, it was a great party, a fun time was had by all. Family is great.

Always, with love ,
Tony.

Family time

I spent the entire evening with my brother and his wife and children. I complained when I found they were coming along with my sister, I have missed my brother. He and I went to breakfast this morning and it's like we just saw eachother last week, we clicked perfectly, Clark is the sort thay he is just steady and dependable, he is the same as he was last time I saw him we got along fine and I wish he could stay longer. I am not capable of ascessing this on my own but I would say other than I am the best looking brother , clark as he ages and he is about to turn 40, he is closer to being like our father than me. He has a wonderful family that admires him and loves him, life doesnt get any better than that. I would almost say I am envious and I may be in a selective sort of way but then that would be silly, wouldnt it? On Saturday night, Pammy and Ryan and Erika and I went to see the new BatMan flick the " Dark Knight " I have one simple word WOW-WOW-WOW. I love movies and see a number of them at the Alamo Draft House and movie house creation here in Austin that combines a movie with alcohol and food which is pretty descent. The absolute key to Alamo's success is it is for adults, children rarely come. A couple can go to a movie and a diner with a drink or two for around $50 or so, Alamo is doing very well in the Austin area. I am going to wrapp up this short entry for today, there is very little news to be given, I do do have an MRI tomorrow the radiation doctor will use the info from the MRI to begin his Bombing camnpaign of my brain. I have just a couple of weeks of radiation and apperantly the last ten or so treatments are very intense to kill all the gremlins.My sister should be in soon and the adventure continues.

Always with love,
Tony.

Remebering a father.

Before the death of my father, I had twisted my self into a bundle of guilt carrying most all of it by myself. Rarely is guilt to be carried by only one, rarer yet is the abilty to lay the guilt exactly where belongs. I think Dad had spent a number of years fufilling his obligation, he was a good father to his four children, he supported the family well.The total story cannot be told withought including acts of betrayal and adultry, welcome to the future folks.When I remember my Father I remember those moment as only sharp points of pain, so I tend to bypass them for other things. My Sharpest and most vivid memories come way before my mother had given up and decided complaining and nagging were preferable to what ever My Dad had expressed as his need unfulfilled. If I were to crank the time machine back just a little further, I would find a family living well and happy. We took regular camping trips, it was not unusuall to have all 6 of us traipsing across the country, pulling a travel trailer. It was by this method I was able to see the Grand Canyon Carls Bad Cavernes. We would alsso visit many lake and river areas for camping, catching fish and cementing my future as a lover of outdoors. My Father was a man of understated passion, I have no idea how it was to be within his personal universe, My mother did not fare well, I have my own opinions as to why. My Father I think operated much of the time on elemental level, he could conceive, design and build anything and did on numerous occassions. We had the coolest play house as kids, it had stairs and an upper floor all built by hand. Life was good and Dad was an everpresent, strong influence in my life, directing what I would become. Post's may be short for a few days, Family is commin to Gawk at the Cancer Dude, I will do my best to dance properly and make everyone feels good about the fact they made the effort.

Always with love,
Tony

I found this image of a daily radiation treatment, they really have become routine, in spite of the visceral first impression one might receive. The staff working there are extemely patient and believe me there have been a couple of occassions where they needed every ounce of their patience to deal with me. The mask I am wearing had to be special made, I broke down into tears when they tried to make that process happen. I had to reschedule and come medicated so they could lay me on my back and mold this soft plastic to my face and then insert me into the easybake oven to harden the whole thing. A piece of cake right? My perspective is continually realtered during this process. My Father was a fascinating man, when I look back to my early childhood and allow myself to absorb the memories contained in that time period, many things come through. I was born in Ca while my father was in the Medittereannean on the USS Allagash. My mother flew me to Rhode Island when I was 18 months old to see my father for the first time. I am told I was idolized by my maternal grandmother, when other children came behind me Grandma was loving and even handed with all. I always knew though she liked me most. Dad at this point is not so easy to describe, after his navy term he attended college and received a degree in architecture. My opinion is that was where he really wanted go with his life but he didnt. He had also received a degree in mechanical engineering. He began working for Rheem manufacturing in the 60's and that was where he stayed until his death. I suppose nothing I have said thusfar is all that remarkable, however when one examines the in between parts of my Father's life he was anything but ordinary. It really had to be so since his life was so short, he died in his early fifties, apparently in my family history does indeed repeat its self. I could probably spend a number of entries speaking about my father and perhaps I will. It would behoove those that care to know a little of him because I am convinced that almost all I am is because of that man. The way I speak, the way I write, how I perceive and then explain things, all of these have been filtered and then focused through the lense given me by my Father.

Always with love,
Tony.

I Met an older lady a few days ago at the Cancer center that was being treated for the third time in her life. She without asking anything about my particular condition, offered me a quote she had been carrying with her for some time. She said within the quote she found inspiration.

" The art of being sick is not the same as the art of getting well. Some Cancer patients recover, some don't. But the ordeal of facing your mortality and feeling your frailty sharpens your perspective about life. You apreciate little things more ferociously. You grasp the mystical power of love. You feel the gravitational pull of faith. And you realize you have received a unique gift- a field of vision others don't have about the power of hope and the limits of fear; A firm set of convictions about what really matters and what does not. Tony Snow, 2005.

My Darling Pamela; A woman like no other I have ever met. She is and has been my rock, she is all at once intelligent yet connected to daily events in a practical way. She grounds me without keeping me from soaring. When I limped into Texas a damaged, discouraged man with no knowledge about how to be a good husband and a good partner. She taught me and I learned. She was patient and sometimes she would just exit the room, leaving me with my angst, telling me later " Sometimes you just have to figure it out " Those were the most painful moments.
Over time I did learn what was important in a partnership and the things that were not so important. Our relationship has flourished and Pammy as always has been there.

always with love,

Tony.

Have you ever stuck your face into the middle of a Mountain Laurel, in Bloom? The fragrance is unreal, it smells like Grape Koolaid, the powdered stuff we used to drink as kids..........Remember? I guess it's about 9 years now, I built an Arbor in front of our house, a pretty subsantial Arbor. I planted Star Jasmine on the part of it that you pass under each time you leave the house. I dont consider myself an especially smart man, and putting the Jasmine where I did was a stroke of genius. During The Spring and for about 6 weeks or so my front porch is heaven on earth. Every time someone comes or goes, the area one exits the house is an incredibly fragrant, impossible to ignore envelope into which one is folded. Austin Texas, which is the city I live closest to has within it's city limits, the largest urban population of Bats in the world. During the summer, nightly, people from all over will come to watch them come out . The population lives under the Congress street bridge. The best way to see them is on the Colorado river, the first time I had this pleasure was when Pammy hired a boat to take us there for my birthday. The Colorado river, AKA Town Lake, at that time, now LadyBird Lake in honor of the former First lady of the United States. She was almost singularly responsible for making the Colorado river, Downtown the Gem it currently is. We met up with the boat near one of the downtown hotels, he took us on the river near the underside of the bridge. I didnt tell Pammy this at that time but I was spoiled, I had been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico and had seen the Bats fly from those caves, I was convinced there was no way any thing could equal Carlsbad. I was wrong, sitting on the water, not quite knowing what I was going to see and having seen what I thought was the ultimate spectacle of this kind, I was mightly surprised. The Bats would sart leaving the bridge just before dark, they would depart in thick ribbons of black, twisting and turning and of course directing themselves up ward into the sky. I am not sure any writing could do this event justice, I will tell you that ios sparked within me an deep emotional cord and I thought was fantastic. I Love Austin Texas, I love life and plan to be around many more years in order to enjoy it.

Always with love,
Tony.