I have resisted making a bucket list, ya know the list one might make in order to satisfy things not yet accomplished. I certainly have a few whimsical items like Parachuting, Bungee jumping, such really unimportant things in the grand scheme. The fact that will conveniently hide away and if I do not remind my self regularly I can forget during my daily activities. My condition is terminal, I know this, everyone knows. I mention all this in order to get to a point, I had quit smoking nearly 2 years ago, having smoked for 30 years, I always loved to smoke, anyone with common sense knows it wasnt good for you, I knew it wasnt good for me and I did it anyhow. I dont believe many nonsmokers understand how it becomes a part of your life to the point you do not even think about it. When I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer it was like Geeze I quit for what, in fact the general consensus normally is whats gonna happen? You gonna get Cancer? Because it was a warm friend whispering to me, because normal was what I wanted, what I needed, what didnt exist in my life, I started smoking again. Few people blinked or said a word except one. Erika, I have written about her, anyone that knows me knows how I feel about that young woman. I wont go into to all that, I didnt anticipate her response. I didnt think she would like it much , I didnt expect what I got. Suffice to say I am quitting smoking, there are good reasons for it medicine wise, there is research to suggest continuing to smoke undermines treatment. It took one person to slap me upside the head and remind me where no one else did. Just one more reason why this young woman is important to me.
Always with love,
Tony.

Should I choose to peer back through the length of my life, which by the way has not been nearly long enough, I would like a lot more if anyone is listening. Having said that, when I do look back the one constant has been and still is fishing. I think I have done more fishing than nearly anything else, except work of course, I did need to support my habit with something. I supose there are people that do not like fishing, although I could not tell you why anyone wouldnt, that just seems a little bent to me. I have fished all kinds of water, caught all kinds of fish in many parts of the country. One might think I have a favorite, I have places I have yet to go and would love to try those. Most of these places would be rivers and would require a flyrod to participate, such as most any river in wilderness Alaska. I have read about places in Yellowstone Park where the only way one can get to the wilderness areas is by Horseback. What a blast that would be to stand in a river in the middle of nowhere, snowpeaked mountains surrounding you, flycasting for cutthroat trout or Brown trout. I have to be honest some of the most fun I have had is in places where you just plain catch a lot of fish. Years ago a friend and I would go down to the Ca delta and camp at night, fishing more than ever sleeping and catching scads of Catfish. Another example would be fishing a Ca reservois for Panfish and throwing them back just because there are so darned many and you dont want to clean them all. There is a small stock pond here locally that has Largemouth Bass that might make a tournament fisherman take pause. I have gone there a number of times and caught Large mouth and Sunfish until I just decided to quit and not because the fish were not biting. I love to fish, I really do.

Alwys with love,
Tony.

I love the dirt, I like the way it smells and the way it feels in my my hands I am a plant guy. I have spent the last 10 years learning Texas plants and have gotten to know and love them. I dont believe there is another place in the country other than the desert of course that is as harsh during long stretches of time. I have been telling clients for years that I spend 9 months a year preparing for 3 months, July, August, September. I Love using Native plants in the landscape, I can hardly think of a more varied , hardy selection of plants available. I have given my sweat, blood and many, many hard hours to my company for 8 years now. I miss working in the dirt and have begun working here at the house for a few hours in the morning. Then there are people like the guy that contacted me to Bid his ladscape right before labor and wants done within a week. The realestate guys are the worst, the last guy actually told me, the client wants a colorful front yard and some shrubs in the back and he wants it for next to nothing. I have encountered that time after time.
Always with love,
Tony

Same old same old?

Here we are in the Democratic National Convention, call me cynical but wasnt Sen Obama the agent for change and hope? If he sincerely believes his message how could he possibly look at the glutfest that were the parties before and after the convention it self and not grimace. The parties were totally paid for by private donation, which mean Lobbyists. I read 50 million dollars, and of course the lobbyists were streaming in left and right in jets and limos, undoubtedly with their hands out looking for returns on their investments.I saw a list of lobbyists, and here is a surprise, each and everyone of them has a pending bill somewhere in the congress in the coming session. Here is another surprise, everyone who was anyone in in politics were at these parties. I wasnt really all upset or offended, I did expect a little out cry, afterall hope and change seems to a little hard to find in the place where you think it might be abundant. I need to ask Sen Obama should you win this election exactly what kind of change will occur? I only see one heck of a lot of the same with everyone involved spinning it into a pretty little package. It's my opinion and I am entitled to voice it.
Always with love,
Tony.

I have always loved a good irony, they always seem just a little bittersweet when you are smack dab in the middle of them. As I have recounted, my Mom came out right after my surgery, that now seems a lifetime ago. My mother has battled type 2 diabetes for years, never seeming to be able to get a handle on her levels. She stayed here at the house for two weeks, now whether we had any thing to do with it or not I do not know. I do know we only had certain things to eat here, we didnt go out to eat at all. When my mother left to go home her sugar levels had dropped dramatically, she was constantly showing levels above 300 and sometimes 400 before she came to stay. When she left her morning levels were in the low 100's as they should be and she was facing the unforseeable, her Dr might have to adjust her insulin levels. I hear from my mother regularly now and she tells me of how low her sugar is as well as how much weight she has lost. Sorry about the longwinded aproach, here comes the Irony. A week ago or so I began experiencing what my neuro guy called focal seizures, he and the Oncolologist cranked up the steroids and seizure meds. Those have stopped, I was about to have some Chemo last Tues and they checked blood levels. They put a hold on the Chemo because of low platletts and my blood sugar was above 400. I am now a temporary diabetic. I knew from the hospital that blood sugar was connected steroids because the nurse would test often when I was taking the steroids. I am now testing myself, forced to consider what I eat and and how much, My Primary Doc has given me a Diabetic pill to lower levels. I love a good Irony and here I am in the middle of one, Bittersweet as it may be.
Always with love,
Tony.

here I am in a familiar position before the crack of dawn, wide awake, writing thoughts down. Yesterday I was able to replace my lenses in my glasses and wow, I can see nearly normal again, the Ophthomologist said nearly 20/20 and he may be right. I think this a big one, it was difficult to navigate with my mid range vision all out whack. I do not watch very much television,I prefer to get my news from the internet, the day to day stuff important here from the radio and the international stuff from the News Hour on PBS. However, for some reason I had a regular broadcast news program on the other day and a segment was focusing on infant mortaliity in the US and we have the highest in the world. Does that even compute? It sure didnt to me. We are the wealthiest, yet we lose more babies under a year old than any other country? This ought to outrage every single soul alive. The bulk of these children aparently are lost to premature birth and this happens because the mothers are very young and many receive no prenatle care. The libertarian part of me wonders if we might not be sacrificing home for over there, of course things are a lot more complicated than that and I am certainly not qualified to ascess the state of the union. I am a huge proponent of the Fairtax ( Fairtax.org ) and obviously spending in this country has gone way out of control, the deficit has not been checked. Thats the end of my political commentary for today.
Always with love,
Tony.

Kaleidescope

What is normal? I realized this morning sitting here contemplating what to write that since July 4th I have been searching for normalcy. I also realize the terms of that word have shifted like a kaleidoscope, never staying the same long enough for me define the term. I have certainly tried and at times I thought I could grab on, slippery as it was. As humans we are obsessed with Quantifying and measuring things, we just cannot help ourselves. One of the most troubling questions I have encountered on this journey is also the simplest. How are you feeling? It has been asked countless times by family and friends, understandbly so, they are concerned and wish to know if I am making progress. This may all come back to the measurement thing, when asked this question I would invariably answer " Feeling ok" and then we would move on to other things. After many such answers I came to realize I was basing my answer on what I thought the person asking the question wanted to hear. Years ago, while sitting in a restaurant with my father he commented on the busy waitress and how when she greeted you , your answer could really be anything and she would smile and respond has she had thousands of time before. I experienced a lot of that while working in the salon in Ca and would see countless clients every month, I always remember what my father said and rather than ask the standard " how are you doing" I would make sure I knew their name, make it personal and the paradigm seemed ro shift a bit, Kinda Zen huh? Why in the heck have I wandered in this direction I am not sure. If those that read this have trouble deciphering the stuff I will not be surprised. It all comes down to this the ever shifting Kaleidescope that is my life, my being, my now, simply is. I have not quite figured out what to do with whatever form I discover at any given time, That I am still working on as I peer through the Kaleidescope.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I awoke this morning with the intention of adressing an email written to me by Shannon and adressing my brother Clark, he often writes of me and to me on his own Blog. My brother first, he calls my cancer the elephant in the room that he attempts to ignore. if he has the elephant in the room that is my cancer then he most certainly has the baby version. The jumbo version resides at my home and most often climbs in my lap, not allowing any ingorance of it's presence. I am enjoying very much Clark's heightened envolvement in my life he and I have planned things down the road and I look forward to all of it. Clark says he started his Blog because of my cancer and has increased his involvement with me also because of my cancer, whatever the case I say keep it up. he also claims he is the better looking brother, that is subjective but intelligence is not and I will claim to be the more intelligent brother. Intentions aside this morning I received a call from the office of my primary Doc and he told me to come in immediately, he is attempting to gain control of my surging blood sugar. My friend Jim was kind enough to take me up so maybe one little fire is about to be put out. Back to Shannon, whom I have refered to as our Love child, she didnt understand how a certain med could affect my blood sugar. I dont understand how it does either but this particular steroid does and it is also very effective on the swelling. So I need to have it and just deal with the sugar levels. She also made a remark about how I missed grape juice, I wasnt kidding it is a major bummer that I cannot consume Grape juice. I think she believes me because when she was here awhile back I hooked her on it.......SIGH. Shannon, I adore you and when I finish this round of Chemo and go on a break, we shall party.

Always with Love,
Tony.

Tangled

I really do not know what I expected on July 4th when I was diagnosed, I kinda put my head down and did what I always do trudged forth thinking I could handle what came. For the most part I have done just that, the little things have piled up and have tangled me. I dont want to get lost in all the medical stuff but it's the little medical stuff that has snared me in a web that I currently need to pull myself out of. I thought I would go straight thru Chemo with no problems, the first treatment created a reaction and the second fools with my platlets. I was having " Focal seizures " down my right arm and the Doc increased my steroids. Now my blood sugar level has gone out of sight. I really feel kinda ok but I dont have enough energy to work and the guys really dont need me. I do feel tangled and with my best effort I will attempt to work at realeasing myself. My biggest regret right now is with the blood sugar thing going on I cant drink Grape juice which I truly love and is full of natural sugar. Thats my motivation get the sugar thing solved so I can have Grape juice again.Thats the update for now, I am tangled in the web that is Cancer my current task seems to untangle as best I can, at least that is clear if nothing else.
Always with Love,
Tony.

I am constantly rearranging this current life I have been given, the one thats entangled with the disease called cancer. I was given advice by scores of people, I listened politely some of it was highly inspirational and valuable, some of it was plain unusable. what has become logical to me is to write a list and pick the items off one at a time untill the list is complete. Pammy was asking if I get lonely being alone all day and the truth is I really dont and find peace and solitude. the hardest part is watching the scene fill in and realizing what I can do and cannot, therefore my disabilities lie before me. Over the weekend a weird hand spasm on my right side came to light, it began in earnest on sunday and continues thru today, the Neurologist calls it Focal seizure activity. His answer is to pile Meds on top of current meds, one more thing that keeps me from going out there and doing something instead of doing things inside the house. I really want to get out side and do some work, obviously I have some other issues to resolve first, I am gonna end this here and now today.
Alaways with love,
Tony.

I have not written since Friday, I had an early client meeting on Sat and errands to run. We then had guests coming for dinner,a thunderstorm came thru on Sat afternoon and took our internenet out untill monday afternoon. I have not had a chance to get back on untill now. I really do not have any particular inspiration to write and my right hand will just break out into spasms at any moment which makes it difficult do do anything. I did have a Chemo Appt the clinic put it on hold because my bood platlets were too low, the good news is I dont have another for two weeks. My tip for this week is do not try to grill Ribeyes in a thunder storm, alternately, the pan fried version was overwhelmingly applauded. The bright side is the Doc's have doubled my steroid and anti seizure meds, I may be once again writing at 3am.
Always with love,
Tony.

Of reading and Butterflies

I have rediscovered the Joys of reading, as long as I can remember I have loved to read. From early childhood I have read often and voraciously, I am very finicky, whatever I choose to read has to capture my attention almost immediately, that may sound kinda narrow in requirements for a good read, I think not I just have high standards. After the brain surgery I was literally unable to read. I was not able to focus, I would read the same page over and over again. I just gave up reading for a a few months, In a local bookstore I found a booka of a favorite author I handnt read for a while. The author's name is Lee Child, he is a Brit and uses a regular character by the name of Jack Reacher. Every single book of his I have read has been in my opinion very good and the most recent terrific. Vince Flynn is another favorite, he uses a character by the name of Mitch Rapp and Mitch Rapp is the inspiration for Jack Bauer who is the character on The TV show 24. I noticed when I was sitting outside this morning that the Butterflies are coming back. I had only seen a smattering of them up to this point, this year has been the driest I have ever seen and the temperatures have been in the nineties and 100's more times times than I can count I am told all are a record. We have barely been able to keep the garden alive this year and are just nursing it waitinf for fall and lower temps and possibly blessed rain. The Butterflies are here in good numbers, I like that, it signifies life, I always find that to be confirming and I also just like to sit out an d watch them.

Always with love
Tony.

The last few nights I have actually slept past 6:00, thats a pretty amazing thing to me when I was used to waking up at 2 or 3 am. I am still wrestling with my exact position and what I should be doing during the day. I do the majority of the bookeeping and keep up with clients, I do housekeeping as well so Pammy wont have to deal with it. We have a housekeeper that comes in every two weeks and kinda takes up the slack and polishes up behind me. I guess all in all it's not a bad life if Cancer were not the impetis behind it. I supose after time I will come to settle in and be more okay with things. Over the weekend in Matagorda my friend steven and I sat on the back deck on sunday morning and we talked. After a little while the talk swung my life before Texas and right away I discovered why Steven was a good law enforcement officer and currently is a very good judge. He knew how to ask the tough questions and did, one after another, hitting the truth every time. I am not going to talk about every little part of the conversation, I will just say, Thank you Steven , you did give me emotional relief. I still feel guilt for not having a relationship with my son. I have altered my perception where my Father and history repeating it self is concerned, what my father did and what I did can hardly be compared although I did for many years. I think my ex wife was a ballistic missle pointed at divorce for many years and that would have happened no matter my actions. Guilt really sucks and I am glad to have a little less of it. Always with love,
Tony.

Friendship and Chemo begins

I felt compelled today to exapand a little on my friends, Steven and Analisa. We had a fabulous weekend with them. I have already written about the weekend, so I will write a little about the people. Pammy and Analisa were good friends in Highschool, they lost touch and reconnected after a number of years of seperation. Children were grown and life was well into the middle years. reestablishing contact and a personal relationship with these two has been one of the greatest joys of our life. I count Steven as my most valued friend and I know Pammy feels the same about Analisa. We are incredibly blessed to have these people in our lives. Yesterday Chemo started, Texas Oncology has taken something so Chaotic and disorgonised like Cancer and turned it into business of course more than that they have organised Chaos. Everything they do is well run, they have people to handle every aspect. I have been continually impressed by their professionalism, respect for the patient and their Compassion. I went yesterday prepared to spend the entire day, I had an appt with my Oncologist first, she is a very caring woman and is willing to address every issue. I then went to the infusion room which is simply a large room with 35 chairs the chairs are very comfortable and meant to be sat in or reclined for hours at a time. Erika and I had planned lunch I brought things that could be microwaved, right before we started eating they put the Chemo drug in and not too long after I had a reaction. The reaction was hardly noticable at first, Erika noticed and asked if aything was wrong. I stopped eating and sat back for a moment and I think I said something about feeling a little weird. I let it go a little longer and then told Erika to go get someone Because I felt like someone had Cranked the thermostat. for thirty minutes or so things were a little crazy, they got the reaction under control, switched to another drug and all was good to go. I will have to go next Tues and have another treatment, then treatments will be 2 weeks apart, I trust the Dr to have my needs well in hand, This journey has really just begun, I am sticking around for the long Haul.

Always with love

Tony.

Matagorda was sucha great place to get away I think I quite literally was hung over from total immersement that I experienced. I havnt since the Brain surgery slept very well, I still have not arranged things to get that in order. When I am home it really isnt a huge problem, my wife complains some and I understand totally. The problem really shoots to the forefront when we spent time with company, as we did when my family was here and in Matagorda. Ultimately it all rests on my shoulders to seperate my self from the company and go to bed, why would one do that if you are enjoying the company and they show no sign of flagging themselves? So many things to figure out and life kinda has to be dealt with as well. When we arrived home from Matagorda we had a ton of business stuff to get done before Monday could proceed. We were both tired from the weekend and had to work well into the night to complete needed issues. There was no opportunity available yesterday for a post, with a lot business to take care of , so here I am today having shaken of my Matagorda hangover and resumed the quirky life that is mine. Chemotherapy begins this morning, I enter this arena with a fair amount of trepidation, having not the foggiest of ideas what I will experience. The treatment center has certainly done their job giving out the proper information and possible side effects, there are so many variables and much of is individual, therin lies the trepidation. Having transcended the primary battle, a little worn and tattered, I shall fight on through this and take what comes my way. I know no other method.

Always with love,

Tony.

I think Matagorda Texas is one of the most beautiful places on earth, the coastline has it's own rough beauty and I have been staying right on the cooastline. I am posting this blog on the back deck, having only the wind and the surf for company. It is pitch dark around me and the humid Texas coastal air wraps me in a blanket, it is a nearly primordial feeling and I like it, it is invigorating, recharging. We spent the better part of yesterday on the beach, I have been on many beaches, Ca mostly, the beaches I liked in Ca were for scenic reasons only. Ca beaches contain a raw power and are to be respected and awed. I have walked them and taken in the majesty. Yesterday, when we had driven across the sand and parked literally ten feet from the surf the experience was totally different. The Texas coastline doesnt require all to proclaim awe and majesty it simply reaches out and says " Experience me " and you cannot help your self so of course you do. The area was a beehive of activity, boats buzzing by in the water ahead, both pleasure, sport and Shrimp boats. The shrimp boats were the most interesting to watch, they would drag their nets across the bottom undoubtedly stirring all that was there, hopefully picking up Shrimp in the process. The intersting part is the attention this activity attracts, Sea birds of many varieties have learned the diiner bell is ringing during this activity. The Porpoises also come, knowing food is handy. I had known all of this, just from reading and having seen it in different ways, I didnt know however that a lot of times and I did see it yesterday, a fishing boat will come in and edge up behind the Shrimper. The profusion of aggitated bottom and shrimp around in the water calls the Gamefish and therefore the game fisherman. I thoroughly enjoyed wading in the surf and casting bait for fish, didnt catch annything and it was just good fun. I will be heading home soon, feeling revived and relaxed.
Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday was graduation day, no cap and gown rquired. I simply had to endure 20 treatments of radiation. I have no idea the tolls this energy wave have taken on my body, the doctor claims I have come through spectacularly. For the most part I feel really good and the most recent scans show my head to be cllean, so there ya go, I am graduated. The ceremony was small, a certificate presented by the Doctor;s nurse, some confetti tossed and off to Matagorda for a weekend of celebration and relaxation. I musnt forget the fabulous lunch we had before we went to my graduation, it was Chinese. The plan was to drive down to the coast and meet our friends and spend their 35th anniversary together, they invited us not the other way around. Anticipating the trip and their anniversary I decided they needed some sort of worthy gift, not having a clue I called their daughter, who has designated herself as our " Lovechild." She obviously has parents, she simply has attached herself to me and Pammy out of Love. When I asked her what would be apropriate, she simply said Foodiie type things. Armed with that information there is only one place to go in Austin, Whole Foods. Here is where it got fun, they have a Concierge, for a very minimal fee this woman, she was cute, drug me around asking me all kinds of questions and selecting things. I can tell you now because we presented the give last night and success was had. I never knew the 35th was Jade, Pammy did and she was prepared with a small bowl, success again. We drove about 3 hours from Austin to meet the couple, to only find out the House our friends had rented weeks back was not available because the A/C was not functional. How many people believe that at 6:30 in the evening we could find alternate accomodations, I am not talking hotel, I am talking Beach rental house. None other than my Love chilld could do it, of course could. She got online and by 7:30 we were in another house and I am told it is better than the first for aproximately the same price. here is the part that still blows me away, whomever owns this house took no deposit, in fact he took no money at all. He simply stated his terms and a check wiil be mailed on Monday. This should give pause to even the most cynical I dont consider myself Cynical and it surprised the hell out of me.
Enjoying the Gulf breeze,
Always with love,
Tony.

I can renember as a young child being sick a nummber of times, although he never said as much I dont think my father was happy about that. Again it was never said but something like " Lets throw this one back and make another " has the right tenor behind the words. The wildest ride I can remember during my childhood is when I was 9 or so I woke up one morning with my neck hurting bad. My father being the ultimate arbiter of all such things searched for a leaking blood source, having not found even the tiniest amout of blood I was declared healthy and told to go outside and play.When all I could do was stand there with my head on my shoulder making moaning noises, Even my father had to concede, " The boy needs to go to the Doctor. Permission in hand I was taken. At this point the story gets bizzarre, because it was 1969 and not a later version of history my mom escaped childabuse charges. The doctor claimed the damage done couldnt have occured any other way except a severe beating. I guess I convinced the Doctor I had not been beaten. For my troubles I was admitted into the hospital and placed in Traction for ten days. Traction, was initially created during the inquisition to torture people, then was used later on 9 yr old boys to punish them for not telling the truth. After my Traction was complete I was placed in a full back brace which I had to wear for the next 10 months. It gets even more Bizzarre. The diagnosis was given as a dislocated cervical vertebrae, to this day a mistery, it couldnt have happened and yet it did, I set presedence early in my life. I wore this back brace through the summer and into the fall, I believe my school work was being sent to the house. I dont know how I slept in the darn thing or did much of anything, this certainly prove the old addage that time heals most wounds. Certainly time has dulled the sharpness of what should be a vivid memory. One last chapter to this saga. The Christmas holidays were quickly coming, normally a joyfull time, I always enjoyed them, I caught the chicken Pox the week before. I could not join the family for Christmas, I will have to hunt down the photo, I have seen it, I was laying on a couch in my back brace, Dotted with the Pox and looking physically as though I had been recently rescued from a concentration camp. Fortunately the Back brace eventually came off. The most startling event connected to that was the fact that I had no strength in my neck muscles and it took hours to be able to hold my head up.

Always with love,
Tony.

The port of entry for my poison of choice was implanted today and it was all just kimda routin and not vry exciting. I am unaware other than what they told me they wre going to to do, the team did such a great job with the meds I plainly slept through it all, Great.I am looking forward to the Island this weekend, having a few days off will be enjoyed most heartedly. Pammy and I are getting into this Rythyum, I beleieve we will handlle whatever comes our day, It is obvious the the nature of what is comiing and and it all has a name Cancer, that feared name of alll, I dont think I fear it. We are heading for the beach tomorrow, I just plan on hanging out and enoying every breath that enters my body, this particular point seems to contain and ending and a beginning, there is value in all all of this I am looking fforward to it. sorry about the shortie.

Always with Love
Tony.

I am always amazed at how quickly time passes, even at a point of my life when I might want the flow to slow a bit, it blurs on by. Friday ends my adventure in radiation, The Doctor tells me it has been a success, I have few reasons to believe otherwise. Other than a sunburn on my bald head it wasnt terribly traumatic either. The Cancer treatment train rumbles on, it now feels like an unstoppable force, more than once yesterday I found myself thinking " I would like to get off now" No such luck in that regard. In all fairness, the treatment center that is working with me do an incredible job under difficult circumstances. To a person they have been professional and helpful, how they keep a positive and mostly cheerful attitude is way beyond me. The radiation dept treats what I find myself upon as a sort of graduation, the departing patient rings a bell and has confetti thrown. I understand the need to congratulate a person for the completion of what for some is very difficult process. I experienced none of that, am I also due a congratulation? Pammy and I attended what the cancer center calls Chemo Class yesterday, they said it would take an hour and half, I guess it did, although it seemed like it was hours. I now know evrything I never wanted to know about Chemotherapy, certainly there are peices of information I needed and will use. I guess it was necessary for the Nurse that was hosting the class to talk in circle and repeat herself adnauseum, I do not have a lot of patience for that stuff. Armed with this information I march into Chemo therapy on Tues, the largest concern at this point is nausea. There is nothing appealing about this, I trust tho that the doctor is well on top of the potiential problem. the receiving of the Chemo will happen once every three weeks and intententionally is structured casually, I have no real precoceived notions of what I will experience during and after, so my plan is is to trudge on dealing with what comes up as it does.

Always with love,
Tony.

I am not certain why I chose this photo this morning as a starting point to write about about, I simply saw it in my Archives and thought it felt apropriate. This little mutt was the most irrascable creature I have ever had the privelige to know. He was dumped at the end of our street many years ago, that happened more often in those days as we were very rural and are somewhat less so now. His name was Homey and to say he had an attitude would be an understatement. His time is finished on this planet and like all dogs his memory and purpose is often limited to that of those that housed him and cared for him. Homey was a dog that had a rough first part of his life and once he decided he would live here, I believe he decided, he truly wasnt gonna let anyone forget where he came from. He loved having the 2 acres upon which we live and would rome all over, he would accept the food and the utility room during cold months to sleep. Most every thing else was off limits, when you would try to brush or pet him his teeth would bare and he would growl the entire time. As if to say go ahead and do what you are doing and I will complain the whole time. Towards the end of his life, he plainly and destinctly announced, " No one shall screw with me " thus it was so. Homey received no baths or grooming and became very stinky. Much like one of those big shaggy homeless guys we see and are afraid to get near. Cya ya homey, I think you were a cool dog. This morning I attend Chemo class, I dont know what that entails, I will tell you tho that it has made the whole thing just a tad bit more real. One week from today Chemo therapy begins and it dont get any more real than that. I will have an entry port surgically implanted in my right shoulder this Thursday, kind of an easy access point for all of those nasty chemicals that are supposed to kill the Cancer and somehow not me. Knowing all this, you have to say the next move was a stroke of genius, Our good friends Steven and Analisa are going to Matagorda island to celebrate 35 years of marrige. He chose well because I dont think there is another woman on this planet capable off putting up with that man for that length of time. We are invited to came along, I have been told I am allowed to do nothing but hang out on the beach and relax, sounds great to me, I will more than likely miss a few posts at the end of the week.

Always with love,
Tony.

I was a very skinny kid, that's not to say my parents didnt feed me well. It was the Sixties, fast food as we know it didnt exist, most of the time meals were consumed at home, everyone present, around a table. I say without reservation that if you know any families that do this regurlary today they will be a happy healthy family unit. I am not just talking about the food, I am talking about the emotional value of a family spending time in one place together. I have no doubt when the family unit started to slip many things came slipping right behind it. I guess I probably wasnt paying attention, those were the days where very few kids were overwheight,at least in the circles I traveled. We all played hard, I can remember these long winded, sometimes they would go for hours, games of progressive tag. the rules were that one person was established it he or she would allow a period of time for everyone to hide.we would sometimes have 20-30 kids playing in one game. When everyone had hid the searcher would commence to find just one kid because when he did that and was able to Tag that person now there were two searching and both would look for another. The rules stated you could not tag more than one kid at a time, but I will tell you what, things got reall interesting when 5 or more searchers would see a kid and run him down, it became a game of strategy and endurance and strength. Do kids play these sort of games any more? Is it any surprise at all that the exchange of good run out side for a television and munchies would result in this next generation being our fattest ever. I have also noticed these days that if the kid is fat more than likely the parents are as well. We dont live in the sort of communities we used to live, wouldnt it be great if the parents and the kid would get a bike and take long rides together, Or more simple yet, running shoes and go on long regular walks, How would that be for strenghthening the family unit, you could always talk along the way, The family has ideed slipped and it saddens me.

With love always
Tony.

Who in the world would not rather do this instead of working? I love fishing and boating of course, Work however is my passion. It isnt just the work, it's the process, of taking a project from start to finish. There are so many variables that can occur if one isnt a decent negotiator, I love the negotiating process. I happen to know plants as well if not better than most, I know that if you can make the client understand that good soil condition, Quality plants and quality mulch are important, you are virtually assured success. Having said all of that, I executed a design yesterday and it was fabulous. Before my Cancer, I would hit the job site and was capable of out working any laborer I had highered. In line with those established perameters and I know I set the bar very high.it was not uncommon to find me on hands and knees, crawling through the beds cleaning and trimming. I could could in the past clean and plant and mulch a bed in no time at all. Yesterday everything was different, while my approach to completing the project had dramaticly changed, I think the importance of my presence had not. The clients we serviced yesterday were very involved in the Landscape and the project it'self, I had some trepidation as to the level of their emotional involvement, for the most part they were helpful ,non combative and ,the project All in all was enhanced by their their involvement. That isnt always so and I will usually do all I can to keep a client aways from the work area. I was certainly throughly spent after yesterday and slept like a Baby, I slept until 6:00 tpfay, since the surgery thats the record.

Life begins again

To say my life has been altered since late June when I was StarFlighted to the hospital, all the while on the periferal hearing " He is having a stroke." I am not so certain that a stroke wouldnt not have been preferable to that has to come to light since. And the alteration of what was a fairly quiet, somehat organized life has now been spun on it's ears and is still spinning. There was hope for about a week, while the eggheads were scanning their scans and pushing medicine through me. My Neurosurgen was almost totally convinced there was simply an infection. Even as the Naysayers, the Cancer pronouncers were gathering forces, the lightsight made a valliant effort. I rarely think of the seizure now, apparently the legion in my brain, lord knows how long it lie there with what intent mimiced a stroke very well indeed when it blast off, anouncing it intentions to one and all. I was very much wrapped up in the experience of what came to be known as a seizure had never and sincerely hope to never experience anything like it again. I think of my Father inlaw, he experienced multple sezure later on in his lifeHe was a wonder man, in fact he became a surrogate father for me at least in the short term before we said goodbye.As to my singular sezure experience, no matter how long I live if I never have another that wont be long enough. The best I can describe the entire experience and I am possitive I wont come close. I woke up because I couldnt catch my breath, everything around became distant and amorphous. As the event tightened it's grip on me I could hear my wife, obviously distressed shoughting at me and asking questions while on the telephone to 911. Somehow I thought I could walk it off so I attempted to do just that. I recall nothing in the tunnel I was sliding down into, other than this ongoing repetive rumbling sound ( my labored breathing ) Unknown to me Pammy had me in a Bear Hug the whole time to protect me from my self, all the wile trying to communicate to 911. She and I went down to the floor and the seizure began. I am told the main event while somewhat spectacular was short in duration. I slowly gathering a little awareness about me, enough for me anyway to realize that I was not gonna let the EMT's drag my ass out of my house naked. Priority number one at that point clothing, I had no ability to speak, the right side of my body barely functioned, hence the thought of stroke. No matter the priority was in there amazing, Up I got and kinda after a fashion moved from kitchen to bedroom, much to the consternation of wife and 911 operator. Had I been capable of further thought perhaps a more complete set of clothing, but n0 I had my Boxer Briefes on and I was content. I managed to get into a chair much to Pammy's reliefe and the deluge of medical personnell began in earnest. I was poked and prodded, asked numerous questions for which I had only grunts and attempts at indesipherable words. Convinced of Stroke I was to be wisked away on a helecopter, I have never ridden one and exept for a few scattered images may not as of yet. Upon arrival at the hospital, who is the very person I see? I have no idea how she talked the hospital into allowing her there but when the Gurney hit the ground Erika Jeanne had my hand tight and didnt let go. Today, I will be in the field, working, certainly not at the level I previously demanded of my self, I will howevere be working and as much as I have come to do ok with a manegerial position, hower, Today I work and............Life begins, again.

Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday was a strange day, it was as if someone had removed the top of my head and poured in all this info, telling me not for a moment what to do with it. Those memories may filter in I will allow for that, I think rather than force them I will Talk about family again. Dad instilled in us a love of outdooors and nature, I have mutiple memories of cruzing back on some loging road, having not the slightest idea where we are going. My dad would have had a field day with a GPS unit. We as chidren ended up in some the coolest camping spots, I dont know how he found them but they always and perhaps it was the age but they seemed just that more magical for his efforts. I was also a member of the Boy Scouts which simply gave me a much stronger foundation in the out doors I enjoy today. Having spent a few days with my younger brother and whats more having enjoyed the experience, I realized he is almost like my dad. I dont think Clark received the mechanical abilities I did from Dad, I am not sure he fixes things like dad could. There was no misting the relation and there were many times I would look at my brother and lsten and as Yogi Berra might say " It's Deja Vu all over again" My parents divorced as many did in those day and nany continue to divorce. Clark lived with my Mom and visited my Dad' s regularly and he seems to have worked out for the better I think of him as highly stable until I present reality and tell him who the better looking male is in the family.

Always with Love,
Tony.