The early morning Cha-cha

I am backup again doing the 2:00 am thing again. it remends me of the mornings we got up to go fishing, many of the them. it didnt seem where we were going or how long we were gonna stay there it was always a requirement that we get up way before dawn to go fishing. and always the fishing. there was one particular trip i remember in the Bay. My Dad had planed a trip on Ray Francis's boat. That was one of the few time a catastrophe did not occur. Trouble always seemed to follow my dad, not this time. We got into the stripers pretty quick and as there is a slot limit in CA, we didnt want to run through our limit that quickly. I asked why he just didnt turn on the fish finder and get some more? this guy was about 5' " and solid muscle. His foverite saying " You dont ask a Potugee to this or that" so we would move away from rhat area and start catching sharks. Sharks are fun to catch. They fight real well and when you get them on deck you hafta either shoot em and tem em home with you or cut em loose before begin flopping. A flopping Shark on the deck of a bout is not good. The weather is fabulous here in Texas. Camping in my very near future.
Always with love
,Tony.

Unsung hero

I thinking I am feeling better, I still get nateuaus, but not so bad . I have several jobs coming up and that be will be good for my botttom line . I need to get out and work if I can and I will attempt to do just that. This Cancer thing causes me to focus on me more than anything and people have told me I need I need to do just that. The troubling part of all this though that Pammy kinda get left in the dust. Of course it is not intention to leave Pammy behind but while I am placingall of my attention on me she gets forgotten. She has no intention to draw attention to herself and she knows I need to do what what I am doing, I need to work a little better a little harder not allowing her to become a forgotten part of the relationship. There is no way in the world that I could get through any of this without her being here and helping as much as she does. Pammy I have always adored you I could not survive withthout you, I know a get a little nasty that has little to do with you and more to do with the fact that every time I am brought level with my limititations I do not react well. I am constantly rememiding my seldf and with time I think will i improve this part of me.

Always with love
Tony.

It looks like it,s gonna be another beautiful day out there today, it is is fall. I very much like fall and all the color from it. In Texas we plant our our colorful plants in October and November. I always plant a lot of Anuualas to put in when fall arrives, this year will be no different than others. I love annual color, Pannsies, snaps, Dianthus. There is nothing prettier than a bed all dressed up with annal color. I have several to take care of next week. It has been a tough transitition for Shaun, there is no doubt whatsoever he is a hard worker, he is not a gardener though and that has been difficult for him. He has no trouble with the mechanical parts of things, I think gardeneing is part intuition and just plain seeng thing otheres may not see. Gardening is placing height, texture and color in the proper combinations to illicit the most stunning affect. I do it it by intuition, I can not really explain how I go about it, I just seem to know. I have a strong passion for gardening and this is my time of the year.

Always with love,
Tony.

Lets go camping

Pammy and i are talking about taking some time and going camping, we havnt been camping fora couple of years and I would look forward to that. My brother is coming near the end of November perhaps that might be a good time to go. I will need to set it up , neither of them is very good at getting things like that arranged. If he doesnt change the date again as he has once allreadyHe had been switch work dates with a coworker and apparently the co worker needed to change the the day. Fortunately my days are not cluttered and can be changed fairly easly. I love to go camping and Ink's lake is one of my favorite places to go so we shall see how all that works out. In the mean time I think I am feeling a little better. I am gonna go get some sleep and see what Tomorrow has in in store for me.

Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday Chemo was called off , they said my blood levels were too low and I guesss I apreciate them watching my blood levels while they pour toxic chemicals into to attempt to kill the cancer. I defere to the expertise of the Doctors always but I wonder do I shorten my presently shortened life by allow the put on hold a treatment that I may need. I will need to speak to the Doctor on this when I next see her. I am enjoying the current cold front we are having, Texas really is a wonderful place in the late fall and winter. I like to go camping in the winterand I usually take the boat out and do so me fishing as well. I hope this hold thing gets worked out, It's gonna be a beutiful day.

Always with love
Tony.

I had no Chemo yesterday, they told me it was because my blood levels could not take what they needed to throw at it. I hope their seming lack of urgency is not going to hurt me inthe end. Pam and I ve been have a similar arguement here, Pam thinks I am unwilling to leave the box and attempt something new. I am not wanting to stayin place here because just because it is herem I trust my Doctorbecause she is kind and gentle and I hve never gotten the impression thay she has had any thing but my best intententions at heart. I f there was something new out there she would know about it an tell me about it. Till further notice I am gonn stay in my Box,it's the not worst place to be everyone can develope a comfort most any where they are I apreciate people's concern for my well being Always with love ,
Tony.

The snake is still laying on the patio, headless and benign, which it wasnt last night I am telling myself for the umteentht time that I need to buy a varmint gun. maybe this time I wont just blow it off and next time maybe Will next door wont be home or whatever, I need to get one of my own.It is a beautiful snake, no doubt although seen under proper context very dangeroous. I dont really fear much but a person would be stupid to not to akgnowledge how dangergerous a 5 foot Ratteler would be, I dont know many stupid people and lived through it. We are experiencing beautiful Gorgous evenings, these are the days why people move to Austin and August and september are why the think of moving back.

Always with love,
Tony.

Varmints

Thinking is dangerous and up untill this point I havnt had to do much or couldnt do much. I dont know what has caused the loss of cognignitve abitilties but since I didnt know why I had lost or even that I had it shoulnt have a huge dissapointment when I found I had. Quite the the paradox dont you think? He is not aware of what is changing around him even though he is right there in the middle of things. I am led to believe things are changing, Pam paints a rather grim scene of me being completely unaware.I just killed a 6 ft Rattler snake that the dogs stirred up, I called the neighbor and he came over with his 12 gauge and blew its head off. pretty cool stuff, I am definitelygoing to buy a varmint killer, one of those lose little 40 gauge shot guns that ill get every thing from snakes to Opossums to Armadillos.I was hoping snakes were done done for the year. This one had a very loud rattle and was moving a bit sluggish because of the cold weather. I hadnt seen any this year and certainly none that large, so it is somewhat surprising to run into a big guy this late in the year. hopefully that is the one and only we will see. I am tired guyseveryone rest well.

Always with love,

Tony.

Steven has suggested I talk about fishing more, I certainly like fishing and could probabably spend pages and pages on fishing. When cancer takes over your life and it has for me it's very easy to allow that to become the focus of conversation, there have been some days when I was fairly certain I was going die on that day. What the hell do you talk about when death seems to be immenent?. The Doctor doesnt mention it except to say my cancer is very aggressive. One of these day it will surge forth and plow me under. Now I admit fishing is a much more pleasant topic of convervsation. My brother is coming out for 4 days near the end of November and depending on how I feel, everything seems to depend on that these days, he and I will go fishing. I have found november to be pretty reliable weather wise so I think we may go camping. Perhaps up at Inks Lake, which I really like a lot. It's a very pretty place . One of the thigs I find very interesting with my diease you cannot really make long range plans which was always my thing to do, now I am never certain how I will be feeling at any particular time. On a very off note I am incubating chickens here in the house, I have never done this before and by my calculations may be off althouh I understand they do not need to be precise. I just need to flip them over every now and again. I plan to band the hatchlings and all further Hatchlings the rest of this year, they will be next years young with this years just starting to lay, believe it or not this years young will be old after about about 2 years and and I will have to screw up the courge to make them part of dinner. There is a cycle to all of life.

Aways with love

Tony

I love Texas, I really I do. However I miss fishing on the west coast. When I look back at my earlier years, I went fishing a lot, there were several resovoirs nearby my house. I would catch Pan Fish by the tons . One of my favorite places to go was DelleValle Resovoir, most times the fish would hit before the weight hit the bottom. I guess thats what I miss most about the west coast, the diversity. Within a few hoursI could fly fish crystal clear streams or Delta river for striped Bass. Or I could go into the bay and catch striped bass and we did many times. Texas is great, Dont get me wrong perhaps I just dont have as much time as I used to I certainly Dont have the time recently. I am going to focus on going fishing more often.

Always with love
Tony.

Reflections

I had a blood transfusion yesterday, if any one had told me a year ago I was gonna do this stuff I would have called them nuts. Sometimes I do still float the river of denial, I cannot do that really very very much of that because I am reminded each and and every day of the enemy that lurks within me. Were I a wealthy man I would stay in town only long enough to obtain treatment, leaving thereafter for some exotic place where women wear little and it's always warm. The flip side of this is what if I were alone and had no insurance? I am sure that happens all over the country at some point or another. I am always thankful for Pam in my life I couldnt image what it would be life with out her. This is very tough on her and in some ways I thougher on her than me. I am very focused on my goals and I have come enjoy being alone she has work as well as all the financial worries and then me. She says she wouldnt have it anyother way but I wonder sometimes and I wouldnt blame her one bit if she did. I am still getting rants and raves about the party, of course it went of spectacularly, it always does but this one I think was extra special and will be remembered for some time.

Always with love,

Tony.

Great life

We had the party on Sat and it was fabulous as always, This one did seem be a little more terrific than those in the past. I proved some things to my self such as the fact that it doesnt require as much work to get ready for the party as i thought it did. I used to work for weeks to get thengs ready, This time a round I used my my crew, or rather pammy did and prepared the place. Ryan is a superior musician and the band he brought played some excellent music. we hit a window of wonderful weatherand best of all I felt good. Thats not a sure thing by any stretch these days. I didnt really feel all that great on friday and I dont feel well today. Maybe it was all the positive energy and there was tons of it. I was actually kinda upset at first because I thought this a was a Goodbye party. And the truth is it may very well be for some because some in the group I only see once a year. I cannot believe how nice the weather was and the entire experience can really be sumed up with one one Perfect. For those of you that came and a lot of you that read this page did, I spoke with most of you. For those of you that were envited and didnt come you missed one hell of a party. I have some of the best friends a man could have. I also have a great life.

Always with love,

Tony.

Rabbit hole

I just climbed out of the rabbit hole, I was told there would be some rough moments, I had no idea what was in store for me. I literally lost weeks of my life, dont ask me how many because I dont know. Yesterday, I felt much better and today I actually feel good. I will be thrilled if I never repeat that part of my life again. We are having our fall party on Sat I am looking forward to it very much , we have over 40 on the list . I am searching for words to write, the problem is I have such a huge whole in my memory. I have never experienced such a thing where I search my brain and there juat wasnt any thing there. I will write a gain afterthe party, I should have some thing to say at the poiint.
Always with love ,
Tony.