I have resisted making a bucket list, ya know the list one might make in order to satisfy things not yet accomplished. I certainly have a few whimsical items like Parachuting, Bungee jumping, such really unimportant things in the grand scheme. The fact that will conveniently hide away and if I do not remind my self regularly I can forget during my daily activities. My condition is terminal, I know this, everyone knows. I mention all this in order to get to a point, I had quit smoking nearly 2 years ago, having smoked for 30 years, I always loved to smoke, anyone with common sense knows it wasnt good for you, I knew it wasnt good for me and I did it anyhow. I dont believe many nonsmokers understand how it becomes a part of your life to the point you do not even think about it. When I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer it was like Geeze I quit for what, in fact the general consensus normally is whats gonna happen? You gonna get Cancer? Because it was a warm friend whispering to me, because normal was what I wanted, what I needed, what didnt exist in my life, I started smoking again. Few people blinked or said a word except one. Erika, I have written about her, anyone that knows me knows how I feel about that young woman. I wont go into to all that, I didnt anticipate her response. I didnt think she would like it much , I didnt expect what I got. Suffice to say I am quitting smoking, there are good reasons for it medicine wise, there is research to suggest continuing to smoke undermines treatment. It took one person to slap me upside the head and remind me where no one else did. Just one more reason why this young woman is important to me.
Always with love,
Tony.

Should I choose to peer back through the length of my life, which by the way has not been nearly long enough, I would like a lot more if anyone is listening. Having said that, when I do look back the one constant has been and still is fishing. I think I have done more fishing than nearly anything else, except work of course, I did need to support my habit with something. I supose there are people that do not like fishing, although I could not tell you why anyone wouldnt, that just seems a little bent to me. I have fished all kinds of water, caught all kinds of fish in many parts of the country. One might think I have a favorite, I have places I have yet to go and would love to try those. Most of these places would be rivers and would require a flyrod to participate, such as most any river in wilderness Alaska. I have read about places in Yellowstone Park where the only way one can get to the wilderness areas is by Horseback. What a blast that would be to stand in a river in the middle of nowhere, snowpeaked mountains surrounding you, flycasting for cutthroat trout or Brown trout. I have to be honest some of the most fun I have had is in places where you just plain catch a lot of fish. Years ago a friend and I would go down to the Ca delta and camp at night, fishing more than ever sleeping and catching scads of Catfish. Another example would be fishing a Ca reservois for Panfish and throwing them back just because there are so darned many and you dont want to clean them all. There is a small stock pond here locally that has Largemouth Bass that might make a tournament fisherman take pause. I have gone there a number of times and caught Large mouth and Sunfish until I just decided to quit and not because the fish were not biting. I love to fish, I really do.

Alwys with love,
Tony.

I love the dirt, I like the way it smells and the way it feels in my my hands I am a plant guy. I have spent the last 10 years learning Texas plants and have gotten to know and love them. I dont believe there is another place in the country other than the desert of course that is as harsh during long stretches of time. I have been telling clients for years that I spend 9 months a year preparing for 3 months, July, August, September. I Love using Native plants in the landscape, I can hardly think of a more varied , hardy selection of plants available. I have given my sweat, blood and many, many hard hours to my company for 8 years now. I miss working in the dirt and have begun working here at the house for a few hours in the morning. Then there are people like the guy that contacted me to Bid his ladscape right before labor and wants done within a week. The realestate guys are the worst, the last guy actually told me, the client wants a colorful front yard and some shrubs in the back and he wants it for next to nothing. I have encountered that time after time.
Always with love,
Tony

Same old same old?

Here we are in the Democratic National Convention, call me cynical but wasnt Sen Obama the agent for change and hope? If he sincerely believes his message how could he possibly look at the glutfest that were the parties before and after the convention it self and not grimace. The parties were totally paid for by private donation, which mean Lobbyists. I read 50 million dollars, and of course the lobbyists were streaming in left and right in jets and limos, undoubtedly with their hands out looking for returns on their investments.I saw a list of lobbyists, and here is a surprise, each and everyone of them has a pending bill somewhere in the congress in the coming session. Here is another surprise, everyone who was anyone in in politics were at these parties. I wasnt really all upset or offended, I did expect a little out cry, afterall hope and change seems to a little hard to find in the place where you think it might be abundant. I need to ask Sen Obama should you win this election exactly what kind of change will occur? I only see one heck of a lot of the same with everyone involved spinning it into a pretty little package. It's my opinion and I am entitled to voice it.
Always with love,
Tony.

I have always loved a good irony, they always seem just a little bittersweet when you are smack dab in the middle of them. As I have recounted, my Mom came out right after my surgery, that now seems a lifetime ago. My mother has battled type 2 diabetes for years, never seeming to be able to get a handle on her levels. She stayed here at the house for two weeks, now whether we had any thing to do with it or not I do not know. I do know we only had certain things to eat here, we didnt go out to eat at all. When my mother left to go home her sugar levels had dropped dramatically, she was constantly showing levels above 300 and sometimes 400 before she came to stay. When she left her morning levels were in the low 100's as they should be and she was facing the unforseeable, her Dr might have to adjust her insulin levels. I hear from my mother regularly now and she tells me of how low her sugar is as well as how much weight she has lost. Sorry about the longwinded aproach, here comes the Irony. A week ago or so I began experiencing what my neuro guy called focal seizures, he and the Oncolologist cranked up the steroids and seizure meds. Those have stopped, I was about to have some Chemo last Tues and they checked blood levels. They put a hold on the Chemo because of low platletts and my blood sugar was above 400. I am now a temporary diabetic. I knew from the hospital that blood sugar was connected steroids because the nurse would test often when I was taking the steroids. I am now testing myself, forced to consider what I eat and and how much, My Primary Doc has given me a Diabetic pill to lower levels. I love a good Irony and here I am in the middle of one, Bittersweet as it may be.
Always with love,
Tony.

here I am in a familiar position before the crack of dawn, wide awake, writing thoughts down. Yesterday I was able to replace my lenses in my glasses and wow, I can see nearly normal again, the Ophthomologist said nearly 20/20 and he may be right. I think this a big one, it was difficult to navigate with my mid range vision all out whack. I do not watch very much television,I prefer to get my news from the internet, the day to day stuff important here from the radio and the international stuff from the News Hour on PBS. However, for some reason I had a regular broadcast news program on the other day and a segment was focusing on infant mortaliity in the US and we have the highest in the world. Does that even compute? It sure didnt to me. We are the wealthiest, yet we lose more babies under a year old than any other country? This ought to outrage every single soul alive. The bulk of these children aparently are lost to premature birth and this happens because the mothers are very young and many receive no prenatle care. The libertarian part of me wonders if we might not be sacrificing home for over there, of course things are a lot more complicated than that and I am certainly not qualified to ascess the state of the union. I am a huge proponent of the Fairtax ( Fairtax.org ) and obviously spending in this country has gone way out of control, the deficit has not been checked. Thats the end of my political commentary for today.
Always with love,
Tony.

Kaleidescope

What is normal? I realized this morning sitting here contemplating what to write that since July 4th I have been searching for normalcy. I also realize the terms of that word have shifted like a kaleidoscope, never staying the same long enough for me define the term. I have certainly tried and at times I thought I could grab on, slippery as it was. As humans we are obsessed with Quantifying and measuring things, we just cannot help ourselves. One of the most troubling questions I have encountered on this journey is also the simplest. How are you feeling? It has been asked countless times by family and friends, understandbly so, they are concerned and wish to know if I am making progress. This may all come back to the measurement thing, when asked this question I would invariably answer " Feeling ok" and then we would move on to other things. After many such answers I came to realize I was basing my answer on what I thought the person asking the question wanted to hear. Years ago, while sitting in a restaurant with my father he commented on the busy waitress and how when she greeted you , your answer could really be anything and she would smile and respond has she had thousands of time before. I experienced a lot of that while working in the salon in Ca and would see countless clients every month, I always remember what my father said and rather than ask the standard " how are you doing" I would make sure I knew their name, make it personal and the paradigm seemed ro shift a bit, Kinda Zen huh? Why in the heck have I wandered in this direction I am not sure. If those that read this have trouble deciphering the stuff I will not be surprised. It all comes down to this the ever shifting Kaleidescope that is my life, my being, my now, simply is. I have not quite figured out what to do with whatever form I discover at any given time, That I am still working on as I peer through the Kaleidescope.
Always with Love,
Tony.