It feels good to work

Somewhere in the continuim that is time and space I lost a good chunck of what was last week. I had a Chemo treatment on Tues, nothing terribly exciting as usual, Wed went fairly normal. On Thursday I was wiped out, no energy. I watched 9 straight hours of Macgyver season 1 I had it courtesy of Netflix. Who didnt want to be that guy at one time? Well maybe it was a man thing, nonetheless he was cool and it was the perfect RX for what ailed me on that day. On Friday I slept all day long or at leat in between short attempts at getting something done. All is not lost because I had work scheduled for Sat and not only did I work a full day I also drove my truck and trailer to the sight and home. This may sound silly to some but it was and is important to me. Of all my limitations I have become aware of over the last coule of months driving was the one that bothered mr the most. I felt confined and chained to the house, I had assumed I wouldnt be able to react quickly enough if I took the wheel. Fortunately That wasnt true and we all survived just fine. I was also unsure about how long I could work on Sat, I had to push myself a few times. I have to say it felt great to work, I dont know what is yet to come, I do know a few questions I had were answered, I will accept the victories as minor as they may be.

Always with love ,
Tony

The culprit has been identified

I can not remember a time in my life where I have been prone to to extremes of emotion, highs and lows were not a part of my emotional makeup. Certainly there were slightly blue moments and most certainly there were happy moments, as most people experience. The last few months have been a totally different thing all together. No emotion at all for some people might be described as a good thing, a kindof robotic state where tasks are accomplished as long as instructions are receved. When I was in the hospital I have little memory of what occured, I am told it was because of large amounts of drugs especially one by the name Dexamethazone, a steroid and a not a very nice one even though it does it's job very well which is reduce swelling. I have been on that particular steroid now for since I was released and the Docs have cranked it up and cranked it down. Time has come to get rid of it all together and since I know it is responsible for all that has made me less than normal isnt it great that at the end of the tapering off I can believe life will again be good and productive? I am ready to feel true emotion again, I am ready to get excited again. I have told people I feel Muted, I am ready to shut off the mute button. I doubt many people will have any idea what I am talking about, I may not know what I am talking about. I may be hanging my hat on something that may not happen. We shall see, either way I yearn to feel normal again.

Always with love,
Tony.

I seem to latch on to one subject and then expand from there, the initial thought is not always easy to grab. Pammy and I have been discussing for several years since her Father then her Mother passed on how we would take care of our final affairs. It wasnt that it was difficult to do with her parents, in fact it was fairly simple because her parents had most things prepared. Having said that, My wife and I proceeded to a place in Austin called Remembrance Gardens. I knew of this place without knowing all the details. I researched it on the the web and was pleased with what I heard. We arrived and took a walk in the Gardens, Immediately I was surrounded by large old growth Oaks and an immaculate Garden. There was running water to be heard, and serenity was the word that came to mind. Pammy and I have always said we would be cremated that has not changed, we just hadnt decided what we would do next. Remembrance Gardens will place a small Granite marker in the garden with the names engraved. They will also perform a ceremony distributing ashes if you wish. As we walked through the garden we noticed the entire Garden was nondemonational, it seems any religeon or nationality was welcome. The Gardens had a wall honoring Peace officers killed in the line of duty. We have decided to put a marker in the garden, so people that wish will have a place to come, a beautiful place a Serene place, the sort of place I might create for myself.

Always with love,
Tony.

I have resisted making a bucket list, ya know the list one might make in order to satisfy things not yet accomplished. I certainly have a few whimsical items like Parachuting, Bungee jumping, such really unimportant things in the grand scheme. The fact that will conveniently hide away and if I do not remind my self regularly I can forget during my daily activities. My condition is terminal, I know this, everyone knows. I mention all this in order to get to a point, I had quit smoking nearly 2 years ago, having smoked for 30 years, I always loved to smoke, anyone with common sense knows it wasnt good for you, I knew it wasnt good for me and I did it anyhow. I dont believe many nonsmokers understand how it becomes a part of your life to the point you do not even think about it. When I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer it was like Geeze I quit for what, in fact the general consensus normally is whats gonna happen? You gonna get Cancer? Because it was a warm friend whispering to me, because normal was what I wanted, what I needed, what didnt exist in my life, I started smoking again. Few people blinked or said a word except one. Erika, I have written about her, anyone that knows me knows how I feel about that young woman. I wont go into to all that, I didnt anticipate her response. I didnt think she would like it much , I didnt expect what I got. Suffice to say I am quitting smoking, there are good reasons for it medicine wise, there is research to suggest continuing to smoke undermines treatment. It took one person to slap me upside the head and remind me where no one else did. Just one more reason why this young woman is important to me.
Always with love,
Tony.

Should I choose to peer back through the length of my life, which by the way has not been nearly long enough, I would like a lot more if anyone is listening. Having said that, when I do look back the one constant has been and still is fishing. I think I have done more fishing than nearly anything else, except work of course, I did need to support my habit with something. I supose there are people that do not like fishing, although I could not tell you why anyone wouldnt, that just seems a little bent to me. I have fished all kinds of water, caught all kinds of fish in many parts of the country. One might think I have a favorite, I have places I have yet to go and would love to try those. Most of these places would be rivers and would require a flyrod to participate, such as most any river in wilderness Alaska. I have read about places in Yellowstone Park where the only way one can get to the wilderness areas is by Horseback. What a blast that would be to stand in a river in the middle of nowhere, snowpeaked mountains surrounding you, flycasting for cutthroat trout or Brown trout. I have to be honest some of the most fun I have had is in places where you just plain catch a lot of fish. Years ago a friend and I would go down to the Ca delta and camp at night, fishing more than ever sleeping and catching scads of Catfish. Another example would be fishing a Ca reservois for Panfish and throwing them back just because there are so darned many and you dont want to clean them all. There is a small stock pond here locally that has Largemouth Bass that might make a tournament fisherman take pause. I have gone there a number of times and caught Large mouth and Sunfish until I just decided to quit and not because the fish were not biting. I love to fish, I really do.

Alwys with love,
Tony.

I love the dirt, I like the way it smells and the way it feels in my my hands I am a plant guy. I have spent the last 10 years learning Texas plants and have gotten to know and love them. I dont believe there is another place in the country other than the desert of course that is as harsh during long stretches of time. I have been telling clients for years that I spend 9 months a year preparing for 3 months, July, August, September. I Love using Native plants in the landscape, I can hardly think of a more varied , hardy selection of plants available. I have given my sweat, blood and many, many hard hours to my company for 8 years now. I miss working in the dirt and have begun working here at the house for a few hours in the morning. Then there are people like the guy that contacted me to Bid his ladscape right before labor and wants done within a week. The realestate guys are the worst, the last guy actually told me, the client wants a colorful front yard and some shrubs in the back and he wants it for next to nothing. I have encountered that time after time.
Always with love,
Tony

Same old same old?

Here we are in the Democratic National Convention, call me cynical but wasnt Sen Obama the agent for change and hope? If he sincerely believes his message how could he possibly look at the glutfest that were the parties before and after the convention it self and not grimace. The parties were totally paid for by private donation, which mean Lobbyists. I read 50 million dollars, and of course the lobbyists were streaming in left and right in jets and limos, undoubtedly with their hands out looking for returns on their investments.I saw a list of lobbyists, and here is a surprise, each and everyone of them has a pending bill somewhere in the congress in the coming session. Here is another surprise, everyone who was anyone in in politics were at these parties. I wasnt really all upset or offended, I did expect a little out cry, afterall hope and change seems to a little hard to find in the place where you think it might be abundant. I need to ask Sen Obama should you win this election exactly what kind of change will occur? I only see one heck of a lot of the same with everyone involved spinning it into a pretty little package. It's my opinion and I am entitled to voice it.
Always with love,
Tony.