Of reading and Butterflies

I have rediscovered the Joys of reading, as long as I can remember I have loved to read. From early childhood I have read often and voraciously, I am very finicky, whatever I choose to read has to capture my attention almost immediately, that may sound kinda narrow in requirements for a good read, I think not I just have high standards. After the brain surgery I was literally unable to read. I was not able to focus, I would read the same page over and over again. I just gave up reading for a a few months, In a local bookstore I found a booka of a favorite author I handnt read for a while. The author's name is Lee Child, he is a Brit and uses a regular character by the name of Jack Reacher. Every single book of his I have read has been in my opinion very good and the most recent terrific. Vince Flynn is another favorite, he uses a character by the name of Mitch Rapp and Mitch Rapp is the inspiration for Jack Bauer who is the character on The TV show 24. I noticed when I was sitting outside this morning that the Butterflies are coming back. I had only seen a smattering of them up to this point, this year has been the driest I have ever seen and the temperatures have been in the nineties and 100's more times times than I can count I am told all are a record. We have barely been able to keep the garden alive this year and are just nursing it waitinf for fall and lower temps and possibly blessed rain. The Butterflies are here in good numbers, I like that, it signifies life, I always find that to be confirming and I also just like to sit out an d watch them.

Always with love
Tony.

The last few nights I have actually slept past 6:00, thats a pretty amazing thing to me when I was used to waking up at 2 or 3 am. I am still wrestling with my exact position and what I should be doing during the day. I do the majority of the bookeeping and keep up with clients, I do housekeeping as well so Pammy wont have to deal with it. We have a housekeeper that comes in every two weeks and kinda takes up the slack and polishes up behind me. I guess all in all it's not a bad life if Cancer were not the impetis behind it. I supose after time I will come to settle in and be more okay with things. Over the weekend in Matagorda my friend steven and I sat on the back deck on sunday morning and we talked. After a little while the talk swung my life before Texas and right away I discovered why Steven was a good law enforcement officer and currently is a very good judge. He knew how to ask the tough questions and did, one after another, hitting the truth every time. I am not going to talk about every little part of the conversation, I will just say, Thank you Steven , you did give me emotional relief. I still feel guilt for not having a relationship with my son. I have altered my perception where my Father and history repeating it self is concerned, what my father did and what I did can hardly be compared although I did for many years. I think my ex wife was a ballistic missle pointed at divorce for many years and that would have happened no matter my actions. Guilt really sucks and I am glad to have a little less of it. Always with love,
Tony.

Friendship and Chemo begins

I felt compelled today to exapand a little on my friends, Steven and Analisa. We had a fabulous weekend with them. I have already written about the weekend, so I will write a little about the people. Pammy and Analisa were good friends in Highschool, they lost touch and reconnected after a number of years of seperation. Children were grown and life was well into the middle years. reestablishing contact and a personal relationship with these two has been one of the greatest joys of our life. I count Steven as my most valued friend and I know Pammy feels the same about Analisa. We are incredibly blessed to have these people in our lives. Yesterday Chemo started, Texas Oncology has taken something so Chaotic and disorgonised like Cancer and turned it into business of course more than that they have organised Chaos. Everything they do is well run, they have people to handle every aspect. I have been continually impressed by their professionalism, respect for the patient and their Compassion. I went yesterday prepared to spend the entire day, I had an appt with my Oncologist first, she is a very caring woman and is willing to address every issue. I then went to the infusion room which is simply a large room with 35 chairs the chairs are very comfortable and meant to be sat in or reclined for hours at a time. Erika and I had planned lunch I brought things that could be microwaved, right before we started eating they put the Chemo drug in and not too long after I had a reaction. The reaction was hardly noticable at first, Erika noticed and asked if aything was wrong. I stopped eating and sat back for a moment and I think I said something about feeling a little weird. I let it go a little longer and then told Erika to go get someone Because I felt like someone had Cranked the thermostat. for thirty minutes or so things were a little crazy, they got the reaction under control, switched to another drug and all was good to go. I will have to go next Tues and have another treatment, then treatments will be 2 weeks apart, I trust the Dr to have my needs well in hand, This journey has really just begun, I am sticking around for the long Haul.

Always with love

Tony.

Matagorda was sucha great place to get away I think I quite literally was hung over from total immersement that I experienced. I havnt since the Brain surgery slept very well, I still have not arranged things to get that in order. When I am home it really isnt a huge problem, my wife complains some and I understand totally. The problem really shoots to the forefront when we spent time with company, as we did when my family was here and in Matagorda. Ultimately it all rests on my shoulders to seperate my self from the company and go to bed, why would one do that if you are enjoying the company and they show no sign of flagging themselves? So many things to figure out and life kinda has to be dealt with as well. When we arrived home from Matagorda we had a ton of business stuff to get done before Monday could proceed. We were both tired from the weekend and had to work well into the night to complete needed issues. There was no opportunity available yesterday for a post, with a lot business to take care of , so here I am today having shaken of my Matagorda hangover and resumed the quirky life that is mine. Chemotherapy begins this morning, I enter this arena with a fair amount of trepidation, having not the foggiest of ideas what I will experience. The treatment center has certainly done their job giving out the proper information and possible side effects, there are so many variables and much of is individual, therin lies the trepidation. Having transcended the primary battle, a little worn and tattered, I shall fight on through this and take what comes my way. I know no other method.

Always with love,

Tony.

I think Matagorda Texas is one of the most beautiful places on earth, the coastline has it's own rough beauty and I have been staying right on the cooastline. I am posting this blog on the back deck, having only the wind and the surf for company. It is pitch dark around me and the humid Texas coastal air wraps me in a blanket, it is a nearly primordial feeling and I like it, it is invigorating, recharging. We spent the better part of yesterday on the beach, I have been on many beaches, Ca mostly, the beaches I liked in Ca were for scenic reasons only. Ca beaches contain a raw power and are to be respected and awed. I have walked them and taken in the majesty. Yesterday, when we had driven across the sand and parked literally ten feet from the surf the experience was totally different. The Texas coastline doesnt require all to proclaim awe and majesty it simply reaches out and says " Experience me " and you cannot help your self so of course you do. The area was a beehive of activity, boats buzzing by in the water ahead, both pleasure, sport and Shrimp boats. The shrimp boats were the most interesting to watch, they would drag their nets across the bottom undoubtedly stirring all that was there, hopefully picking up Shrimp in the process. The intersting part is the attention this activity attracts, Sea birds of many varieties have learned the diiner bell is ringing during this activity. The Porpoises also come, knowing food is handy. I had known all of this, just from reading and having seen it in different ways, I didnt know however that a lot of times and I did see it yesterday, a fishing boat will come in and edge up behind the Shrimper. The profusion of aggitated bottom and shrimp around in the water calls the Gamefish and therefore the game fisherman. I thoroughly enjoyed wading in the surf and casting bait for fish, didnt catch annything and it was just good fun. I will be heading home soon, feeling revived and relaxed.
Always with love,
Tony.

Yesterday was graduation day, no cap and gown rquired. I simply had to endure 20 treatments of radiation. I have no idea the tolls this energy wave have taken on my body, the doctor claims I have come through spectacularly. For the most part I feel really good and the most recent scans show my head to be cllean, so there ya go, I am graduated. The ceremony was small, a certificate presented by the Doctor;s nurse, some confetti tossed and off to Matagorda for a weekend of celebration and relaxation. I musnt forget the fabulous lunch we had before we went to my graduation, it was Chinese. The plan was to drive down to the coast and meet our friends and spend their 35th anniversary together, they invited us not the other way around. Anticipating the trip and their anniversary I decided they needed some sort of worthy gift, not having a clue I called their daughter, who has designated herself as our " Lovechild." She obviously has parents, she simply has attached herself to me and Pammy out of Love. When I asked her what would be apropriate, she simply said Foodiie type things. Armed with that information there is only one place to go in Austin, Whole Foods. Here is where it got fun, they have a Concierge, for a very minimal fee this woman, she was cute, drug me around asking me all kinds of questions and selecting things. I can tell you now because we presented the give last night and success was had. I never knew the 35th was Jade, Pammy did and she was prepared with a small bowl, success again. We drove about 3 hours from Austin to meet the couple, to only find out the House our friends had rented weeks back was not available because the A/C was not functional. How many people believe that at 6:30 in the evening we could find alternate accomodations, I am not talking hotel, I am talking Beach rental house. None other than my Love chilld could do it, of course could. She got online and by 7:30 we were in another house and I am told it is better than the first for aproximately the same price. here is the part that still blows me away, whomever owns this house took no deposit, in fact he took no money at all. He simply stated his terms and a check wiil be mailed on Monday. This should give pause to even the most cynical I dont consider myself Cynical and it surprised the hell out of me.
Enjoying the Gulf breeze,
Always with love,
Tony.

I can renember as a young child being sick a nummber of times, although he never said as much I dont think my father was happy about that. Again it was never said but something like " Lets throw this one back and make another " has the right tenor behind the words. The wildest ride I can remember during my childhood is when I was 9 or so I woke up one morning with my neck hurting bad. My father being the ultimate arbiter of all such things searched for a leaking blood source, having not found even the tiniest amout of blood I was declared healthy and told to go outside and play.When all I could do was stand there with my head on my shoulder making moaning noises, Even my father had to concede, " The boy needs to go to the Doctor. Permission in hand I was taken. At this point the story gets bizzarre, because it was 1969 and not a later version of history my mom escaped childabuse charges. The doctor claimed the damage done couldnt have occured any other way except a severe beating. I guess I convinced the Doctor I had not been beaten. For my troubles I was admitted into the hospital and placed in Traction for ten days. Traction, was initially created during the inquisition to torture people, then was used later on 9 yr old boys to punish them for not telling the truth. After my Traction was complete I was placed in a full back brace which I had to wear for the next 10 months. It gets even more Bizzarre. The diagnosis was given as a dislocated cervical vertebrae, to this day a mistery, it couldnt have happened and yet it did, I set presedence early in my life. I wore this back brace through the summer and into the fall, I believe my school work was being sent to the house. I dont know how I slept in the darn thing or did much of anything, this certainly prove the old addage that time heals most wounds. Certainly time has dulled the sharpness of what should be a vivid memory. One last chapter to this saga. The Christmas holidays were quickly coming, normally a joyfull time, I always enjoyed them, I caught the chicken Pox the week before. I could not join the family for Christmas, I will have to hunt down the photo, I have seen it, I was laying on a couch in my back brace, Dotted with the Pox and looking physically as though I had been recently rescued from a concentration camp. Fortunately the Back brace eventually came off. The most startling event connected to that was the fact that I had no strength in my neck muscles and it took hours to be able to hold my head up.

Always with love,
Tony.